So here it is; everyone talks about their first time with acceptance whether it was good or bad. What I struggle with is my first time I was fifteen my ignorance was taken advantage off... I really didn't understand what was happening till it actually was happening. A 17 year old boy I knew pulled my shorts down in the woods he had driven us out too when I had foolishly gone with him alone all because I had a crush.  And in that moment I froze. I asked can we please stop and he said "no, it's fine" I didn't know what to do...  So I did nothing. I was so shocked. I'm currently 20 I have a loving relationship but when people talk about their first times I don't really know what to say... I don't know if that's categorized under sexual assault because I didn't struggle because that's what you see/ hear and learn about as rape. I feel like if I talk about it people will just judge me and I'll feel as dirty and disgusted with myself and my body as I did after that happened. My immediate family members have mixed opinions about the subject like, "yes that's rape" and "no you didn't struggle or make your want to stop apparent enough." And honestly they don't like me to mention or talk about it because it's a very uncomfortable subject. However because I don't know what to categorize it, and this isn't a topic people reddially talk about, its conflicting for me. And I find it hard to really accept because I can't help but question: was that extremely emotionally traumatic experience for me 100% my fault for not making my feeling more evident by freezing? Was it not because I knew I could be stranded and I was afraid of how he'd act if I did act out and try to stop it, so laying there frozen and confused seemed like a better idea? By laying there noncomital was that a non verbal okay keep going? So it isn't rape? Is it a lie if I don't want to tell people that was my first time because I didn't feel like it was a mutual consent? I'm just confused and wish someone could tell me... 😓