Take it too far?

Question

My husband and I have been married three years. He was gonna all week for a fishing trip and got home yesterday.  He kept hinting he wanted sex. I was worn out from working all weeke then coming home and talking care of our child so one out child went to bed, I did too. Not too long later, he did and he tarted feeling me up and grabbed me and put himself under him. We're always more rough like that when having sex. I said three times I was tired which I would of thought he would of stopped but I actually never said stop. I know it's been a week since we had sex and both usually have sex once a day so I can tell he wanted some. So i just laid there and told him to hurry. Is this wrong of me? Wrong of him?

*i never said STOP. And I hinted to him on the way home we should have sex tonight but obviously things changed.

And wow... can women be rude. Part of the reason I don't post asking for helpful, not bitchy advice.

Answer

In our bedroom "I'm tired" means you better step up your forplay if you want it.

Answer

Well you never said stop but if you said you were tired three times and then just laid there, a man should of known to stop even without the word.

Answer

Good grief, no you weren't forced. You didn't even try to say no, hinting that you're tired does not count in the slightest.

Answer

He should have known, just from your body language. It's not like you're at the early stages of a relationship where he's still learning about your body and your signals, you said you were tired and then told him to hurry, this should have indicated to him that you really were not in the mood, and yet he still decided to continue. I would clarify to him that you did not want to have sex with him that evening, and that him not taking the hint and carrying on regardless could be construed as spousal rape. You're not obligated to sexually please your other half, he's not owed a release in the evenings, if you're not into it to the point where you tell him to pretty much "get it over and done with" and he decides to carry on regardless, he's blatantly disregarding your reluctance, and that's problematic. The fact that you're wondering if it was non-consensual, makes me think that it was, otherwise the possibility wouldn't have even crossed your mind. Communicate your feelings to him, and if he disregards them, belittles them, turns it into a joke or somehow makes it about his needs, I'd seriously reassess your relationship with this guy.

Answer

There are times I am tired and then change my mind. You knew your husband. If he does this all the time, it's a problem. If not, then he wanted it and you didn't actually say no so he kept pushing.

I personally don't see anything wrong. If it were me and I didn't want to, I would state difinitively "no". Otherwise, it's game on to persuade me (and vice versa).

Answer

First of all, that is not a "typical husband". Sex should always include an actively clear "yes" from all involved. Consent is not the absence of a "no", but the presence of a clear "yes".
Secondly, you absolutely did nothing wrong. I would call the RAINN hotline to process what happened and talk to someone through it. The number is 1-800-656-4673
I'm glad you felt comfortable reaching out on here. If your gut says something is off, trust it. Reach out to a support network.

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If my partner did this once we'd talk about it. If he did it twice I'd leave. I am not an object for fucking and anything other than enthusiastic "yes" means "no".

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forced come on now, that's a bit unfair to him, if u ddnt want it grow some hairy ones n say no, u said he could hurry so y r u even asking this shit

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I don't think he did anything wrong. First you hinted that you wanted to, then you literally told him to go ahead, but hurry. I mean, he probably should've picked up on your cues and just waited til the next day or something...but I would call that him being oblivious, not you being forced. Just talk to him about it.

Answer

You did nothing wrong. Your husband knew you didn't want it, and he did it anyway. Men aren't dumb - you don't have to say "stop" for them to understand you don't want it. You told him over and over again that you were too tired, and he ignored you. I don't know that this is rape, though I think some people would categorize it as that. But your husband knew your feelings and ignored them. At best, his actions were selfish. At worst...they're kind of disturbing. If you haven't talked to him about this yet, I would. But let me emphasize - he is in the wrong. You are not.

Take it too far?

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