So I've been good friends with this guy for about a year and a half. We are on such a high friendship level that we've trusted each other with some of our most dark and depression secrets. Me being awkward and shy with most guys I've always been someone to catch feelings for a friend I trust. Because I trust him with literally everything and because our personalities compliment each other so well, the feelings started.

He lives three hours away after I moved for work after graduating. And he wanted me to visit him, so 3 weeks ago I drove up to spend the weekend with him. My plan was to hint my feelings or straight up tell him if he wasn't catching the hints. So when I got there we were perfect as normal, extraordinarily sarcastic and we've always play fought where we would push each other into walls. We went out with a group of his friends, which I ended up getting along with everyone surprisingly. He paid for all my alcohol and food. We held hands or he wrapped his arms around me between walking to bars because it was freezing out.

Then on the way home, semi drunk me decided he should know. So I told him, there is one thing you don't know about me hut I want you to know. He said no matter what he would always be there for me and that I am important to him. So we sat in silence holding hands until we got to his apartment where he proceeded to tell me that he was going to sleep on the couch and I could have his bed. I told him he was too nice and that I was prepared to sleep on the couch. He refused and I just hugged him because he was being so nice. And then I just said 'I wish I could tell you' and then he grabbed my face and kissed me.

In my head, I understood this as he guessed I had feelings for him and because he kissed me this means he likes me too, right? So we did it all. Simple as that and it was great.

Next day he takes me out to breakfast and we watch movies and plan on going out again. Right before we go out I ask him if we were allowed to talk about the previous night and he said we could. He asked what my feelings about it were and I told him I think it was pretty clear, which he understood. He then responded with he has never seen me as more than friend, he's always found me attractive and thinks I'm amazing person but he doesn't see me the way I see him. He also stated the distance scared him from thinking about me like that, and that his most recent ex was such a rough breakup that he didn't want to lose me the way he lost her after breaking up. Which I understood because the distance made me doubt my feelings also and I knew about the bad breakup. So I told him I was okay with it.

We go out again with his friends and when we get home again I tell him I understood that he didn't return the feelings but I really enjoyed what happened the night before. And like in the movies we were on opposite sides of the couch and he closed the gap so fast and kissed me before yanking me back to his bedroom for round two which was the most amazing sex I have ever had because we were both so focused on pleasing each other that no matter what I asked for I got, and same with him.

So here I am. Completely unsure of my feelings, amazed by our sexual chemistry. I'm seeing him Wednesday and have no idea where we really stand. Friends on both him and my side have stated that they think he actually does return the feelings, but there are things preventing him from trusting his feelings. Surprisingly I don't feel hurt about it. We both stated that the most important thing to us is staying best friends.

Sorry for the insanely long vent, but it feels so good to get it all out!