Gender dream and intuition

We chose to not find out. I was content with the surprise until after my ultrasound. I've had a few dreams it's a boy, and I've been referring to it as a he so I don't get my hopes up for a girl. I have 2 boys, and I've wished and felt i would have a daughter my whole life. As time goes on and my pregnancy developes, my intuition is heavily weighted towards a boy. Friends family and strangers tell me it's a boy. I believe my baby is a boy, So much I cry every night I'm having a boy, and I don't even know the gender for certain. Please forgive me. I honestly didn't know I'd feel this way, especially if I didn't find out. But here I am, amongst the expecting moms lamenting over a gender and trying to celebrate health pregnancy but yearning for the gender. I keep reminding myself how fortunate I am to live here in which I can pray for a daughter. I am grateful I can experience pregnancy again. in my heart this is my last child. I mourn that I won't brush my daughters hair and play tea parties. I'm sad I won't have an ally amongst my healthy sons who I'm extremely grateful for and I love to no end. I use to write letters to my future daughter, and pray to god how I was excited to hold her someday. There is a lot more to me wanting a daughter besides what I wrote. I was once offended by mothers who grieved the "loss of a gender dream" for I have experienced multiple miscarriages and difficulty getting pregnant. But the emotion is real. Before you judge this note and others who are sad they're pregnant with their 4th daughter or 3rd son I just want you to know it's an embarrassing emotion to even feel. This seems like a safe place to express feelings you're too embarrassed to share with even your spouse, because your child is healthy, and you're healthy, and yet you feel this way. It's nice to know other expecting moms feel the same way. I know my heart will be overjoyed with happiness and love when I meet him. So go ahead. Hack away. I'm just overwhelmed with hormones, lack of sleep and emotion right now.