I have a really difficult sexual history of abuse and so I've had to work through a lot to achieve a somewhat normal sex life. My boyfriend has always been really understanding and sweet about it. One thing I can't seem to shake is just intense embarrassment when i get turned down. I have a vastly higher sex drive and so he has literally never been turned down in the years that we've been together. However, the same is just not true for me. Because he prefers to have sex less often (2/3 times weekly) than I would (ideally every night or 5 times a week), I usually just wait on him to come onto me so that i don't have to be embarrassed about being turned down... but anytime i get the guts to come onto him... it happens just like I thought it would. I wish it weren't so embarrassing for me becuase i just want to cry or run away everytime. It makes me feel so ugly and ruined. I know a lot has to do with my history and it's just not true, but I just can't seem to have a normal night after being turned down. Esp if I tried lingerie or set stuff up. It's not fair to him because he shouldn't have to choose between having sex with me or having a quiet distant night.... but it is so hard for me to understand why he isn't in the mood. It's so hard not to buy into the stereotype that because he's a guy, if I'm attractive enough he'll have sex with me whenever. How do you guys deal with rejection? It's gotten so bad that anytime i ask he just gets bummed and goes to bed. He won't even try to give me a chance to make the night "normal". I just feel like i should never ask again. To top it off, sometimes i plot these really childish plans where i think I'm going to deny him sex for a week so that he'll know what it's like but I just never can follow through with something so stupid. I just feel so ridiculous and hurt right now. Ugh.

(P.s. i have had therapy but can no longer afford it and tbh I saw multiple therapists and they just couldn't seem to help with this specific aspect of my life)

Advice welcome.