End of the road

Im findin myself post more about my relationship problems than actually TTC, im so sad n depressed, I feel so lost and I actually have no one to talk to. Im cryin just typing this. Im extremely emotional, I just wanna cry all day, do nothin but cry. I honestly n whole heartedly believe this man was the one for me. I been through soooo much wit other relationships, he kno wat I been through wit my ex b4 him, y put me through the same, if not worse, things than b4. Im seriously drained. I kno I wont love after him, its just so hard. I do any n everythin (damn this lump n my throat) im givin, caring, nurturing....just y is this happenin to me? I wanna scream so bad but I cant. I love this man to the point I dont think I can leave and ive tried, many times. Im so lonely its scary, I have absolutely no one. I think I was pregnant, I got a strong faimt line, like basically positive, peein every 30 min to an hour. I stressed so much, not because if I was pregnant, because of wat im goin through, I got my period and was crushed. Im 28, I want a baby more than anythin. Im n so much pain, emotionally. Im happy when im wit him. We have fun, great time but lately I just cant shake being a total mess when im alone n my room, I think of everything n cry. I have no friends so its not easy to go n hang out wit ppl to get my mind off of him. Hes all I have, truly. I feel like breakin down n crumble into a ball.i want to disappear into nothin, sometimes I really dont want this life, I hate it. I smile, I put on this face that isnt mine to plz other ppl, no one ever ask how I was doin, how im feeling, wats goin on wit me. I care so much for others to the point I forget about myself. I swear if someone ask me wats wrong I burst into tears, I cant tell anyone wats really wrong, I say nothin, compose myself n put the smile back on. I cant do this anymore, I really cant. Sometimes I just wanna talk n I cant get that from him. I cant I cant I cant. Im nothin, thats how I feel, im empty, im a ghost. Every time we have a problem he turns it around on me, I am faithful, loyal, honest, respectful n loving. But he makes me feel like shit, like I did somethin wrong for expressing my feelings. I just wanna get back to how we were, its so hard being the only one n it, I feel hes gonna come around but I feel like ill break b4 he does. Im almost there of not then I am there, I cant breathe, im suffocated, I feel like im dyin. I just wanna get this off my chest, if only one person reads this, I just wanna kno someone hears me. This is nothin to wats really goin on. Its so much, too much to go through. Love cant b like this. This is damaging. Im damaged.