Long story. I'm not writing this for opinions, judgement or any sympathy at all. I'm writing it for my self so I can release it abd hopefully move on. Because somewhere someone out there has read it. I don't know you. But by doing this I know I have told someone and shed the weight. Iv accepted what has happened and I realise now that the only way to finally let go and feel free is to release it. So that's what I'm going to do. You can judge you can comment and say whatever you like but it won't change it. I don't think anyone else has ever felt like this about there situation and what they went through. But if you did, if you had a simular situation on your feelings towards it. Please feel free and say. I shouldn't feel the way I do about it because it was awful

o very awful. But sometimes you can't help but feel a certain way about a different side of someone. So here it goes. I'm sorry if this causes any memories to stir or upset for people.

My childhood wasn't very good. Well it was but there are some dark memories. For the past 15 years these memories havnt been accessible. Like I put them in a box in my brain locked away. When I tried to think back to my childhood majority of it was just a black cloud I couldn't remember not even if I saw photo's. I blocked it out and thought I through the key away. Its always been there. I know it has. I just chose to forget. This is the first time iv ever told anyone. I couldnt before. I felt paralysed. And after my 'abuser' died i didnt see the point. No good would come of it. Except pain and heartache for the people around me that didn't know that side. He was dead. He died. That's the end of it nothing could happen again. But I still felt the need to protect his identity. To let people keep the memories they had. Rather than ruin every single thought. Every memory. I didn't want anyone to suffer more pain. I didn't want people to regret and blame them self's because there was nothing they could do anymore.

When I was 4 I moved in with my grandparents. My mum's boyfriend the father to my brother and sister didn't want me around. When my mum was at work he'd lock me in my bedroom for hours even after it got dark. I was too small to reach the handle so even though I could of opened it I couldn't. The light switch was too high. It was just me in this box room with pink barbie wallpaper. My mum would come home and he'd just say I had been having a nap. Because it was the same time everyday my mum just figured it was a regular thing. When I started school my mum didn't have time to get me ready before work so she would take me to my grandparents 3 doors down I had my own bedroom. My nan and grandad were my world. Specially my grandad. I moved in. We would do everything together bake in the kitchen with my nan my grandad would take me everywhere we was best friends. I was happy. Then when I turned 6 my mum moved so it was just me my nan and my grandad during the school holidays because my mum moved 40 minutes away I would have to go to work with my grandad sometimes. I loved it. Everyone would pretend I was the superviser. I'd wear a hat and a badge with a clipboard. It was fun but then everything changed. My grandad started working late. He started pleasuring himself after work sometimes before coming home. He'd send me off with crayons and a colouring book and then come and get me after saying he had paperwork to do. One day I caught him and he felt embarrassed said it was an adult thing but it's personal. It happened more and more the only difference was he wouldn't send me out the room anymore. I'd sit colouring in the corner of his office. One day he called me over told me to hold it. And just stroke it like a cat. I didn't know what it was or what I was doing I thought it was natural. He said I'd learn it in school soon but I wasn't aloud to say I already knew when they would teach it. I was so little and I trusted him with my life. We was best friends so I thought everyone did it when they was bonding. I didn't have a father figure in my life. He was the closest I had. It wasn't all the time it was once in a while. It was only while he was at work. Outside of work everything was normal we would go to the zoo and theme parks to London and everywhere and there was no abuse it was like a normal grandad and granddaughter outing like father and daughter. About a year later he started getting me to lick said like a lolly pop. I started thinking it wasn't right. But it must of been right he was my best friend? He wouldn't hurt me he protected me. When I was 9 it stopped. He started getting sick. A brain tumour he didn't tell anyone though. Despite everything the abuse he was still my best friend it was so rare that you'd forget it happened. But obviously you don't. Despite the abuse I loved him. And the day before he died when he took me into hospital he told me to look after my nan as he couldn't do it anymore. I cried. I miss my abuser I still cry when I think about the GOOD things we did. But I'm still scarred by the abuse. My abuser was my best friend. He never touched my physically. That doesn't make it okay. Sometimes I'm glad he's dead. Other times I miss the good things we did. I am over the abuse I wish for no one ever to go through it it's horrible. But yes sometimes I don't miss my abuser. I miss the memories the good memories the times when he was actually my best friend. My family once asked me if he ever abused me. A year after his death I told them no. He abused me but I didn't want to taint his name I didn't want the people that got the loving, kind protective side which I also did to feel regret. Ashamed abd heartache. I didn't want them to suffer. Blame them self's. I protected the people around me. My abuser is dead he has been for the past 12 years. But sometimes I still miss feeling like the princess. Having that person that is like your best friend your role model. Even though he abused me a part of me will always miss and love that side. It's been 12 years since you died. And I wish I could of avoided the abuse. But I don't wish I didn't have the good memories. But now I'm letting it all go for good. The good the bad. Everything no more ties. It happened. Iv forgiven iv got over it. I would change the abuse. But I wouldn't change the person I am now.

I know I will get hateful and judgmental comments. So go ahead. Your comments won't change anything.

Edit: my family only asked because his son had CONSENSUAL sex with a friend of the family who was 14. But because of her age they put it down to abuse. The reason they asked is because they questioned the son so asked if I had ever been abused whether it be by him or someone else.

Update: I just want to thank everyone for your inspiring comments. I have come to peace with what happened and I don't feel like I need to take it further. Just writing it down and sending it away to land in someone's hands such as your self's is enough to feel free. Doing this was the next step. I put it anonymously because although I have made peace I am not yet ready to say I am the person it happened to. Maybe one day I will. Maybe one day I'll be able to write the post in a better way but with it saying I am the person this is me. But right now that's a step that needs to be taken when I am ready. Your kind words have given me hope. I decided to speak out about this because although it's too late, People may argue it's not but to me personally it's too late, although it is its not too late it's never too late to share your story and feel some relieve that it's not your secret anymore. Just writing it and sending it off takes away the heap on your shoulders knowing that it's no longer a secret. It might be a secret to people surrounding me but I know that iv told my story iv shared what has happened and iv let it go. I want people to realise that even if you also feel it's too late it's not too late to release the boulder on your shoulders. Thank you. I don't feel ghe need to personally share my story I have accepted it and it no longer causes me pain. Yes it affects relationships but you eventually learn not everything is out to get you. I am slowly dealing with my anxiety. I am slowly dealing with my fear of the dark and being clostaphobic. I still get nervous around men but that's Alot easier now too. I think they are things that will never go away no matter what is spoken about. But at the end of the day this is me. Iv been in some dark places, but I fought it. I didn't give in I found the strength and didn't let it over take me. So for anyone that's been through the same thing or simular. Don't let the darkness suck you In. There's always a light you just have to look more closely. I wish you all every single one of you ladies the best. I wish you strength when your feeling weak. I wish you light when your in the dark. I wish you hope when there feels like there's not much left. I wish you love when you feel you are a alone. But mostly I wish you happiness when everything is causing you sadness. This is such a horrible world we can't make it any better we can only make good out of what we have got. For anyone with children I wish them safe, health, happiness and protection. For anyone pregnant I wish you a healthy pregnancy without complication. For anyone TTC I send you millions of baby dust. 🌟

Thank you ladies for showing that when people really need someone somewhere someone will always be there. Even if it's a stranger sometimes that's the best type of support. ❤