Anybody else? Can't just be me😕

I have suffered so many losses and just feel like a complete loser. I carry so much hate and jealousy inside of me.  I am jealous of teenage mothers. I am jealous of older mothers. I am jealous of women who get pregnant the first month they try. And I am jealous of women who finally, after miscarriages and disappointments, have their babies. I know it isn't healthy but I can't help it😕 

For years I've watched mothers with their children and stored little scenes for my own future. I have stolen other women's moments like a shoplifter. The first day of school, Mother's Day cards and macaroni necklaces. Ice skating, singing Old MacDonald in the car. Chicken pox and football practice. Tantrums. Cheerios in the sofa cushions, bicycles in the driveway. They are such little pictures. Insignificant really. They are all Someone else's memories but I want them to be mines. But I just feel like it's Time to give them up. Give up everything😟 There is such an emptiness where my vision of the future used to be.