Ok. So I'm pregnant 4 months and I love my so. We're high school sweethearts. We both have 2 children from previous relationships. I have 2 girls he has 2 boys. We both want a girl. His oldest son lives out of state and after visiting us once, he never wants to come back because of me and how I reacted when he made fun if my daughter for wetting the bed (though he does too). His 5 year old son visits bi-weekly for the weekend and I feel like it's the worst day of my life when he comes. I hate boys. Whenever I see this child I don't even want to breath the same air he breaths. I recently talked to a social worker for fear that I may be having a boy and I don't want to hate him. She asked me a few questions about my past and I told her that I had been molested by my brother when I was younger (technically he took my virginity but my family said they always knew I would be a whore). One of my daughters was conceived in rape and i was severely physically abused by my father who raised me after my mother abandoned me and my siblings because she couldn't take the beatings anymore. I recently lashed out on my so when his son came over after he promised to go to his mom's with the child. Because of my actions, my so hasn't come back and I don't know if he ever will. I tried to tell him about my past but what good does that do except make me look like I'm making excuses for being a low human being? Nothing will ever be the same again. How can I be so ugly? How can I feel so badly towards his child while I'm carrying his too? Does anyone have any advice about how I can possibly try to take baby steps to not be this way towards male children? I know you guys will say I'm a monster and you would be correct. I hate who I am and I want to change. I don't know how.

Sincerely,

Having this baby alone now

***update it is in fact a boy***

I ask for all prayers and I will be the best mother that I can.