SUPER LONG POST AHEAD

Hey, sorry to come on here with this but I have a lot of trouble communicating my feelings and mostly everything, I’ve been thru a lot my whole life and I feel that all of that had affected my mental health, but when I first started to understand things for what they were I didn’t feel so hurt and I actually overcome most of it, but here comes me from now,

I’ve been in a relationship for 4 years with a man who is kind and loving, but we got together when I was 17 and he was 18, I had really abusive parents, when we had been dating for about a month me and my mother had a huge fight and she beat me up, so I run away(she try to get me back in the house but I had recorded everything so she was scare so she let me go) I was homeless for about a week living at my friends’s mom’s house(I didn’t wanted to go live with my bf bc we only had been dating for a month) anyways, after a week I was feeling not welcome at my friend’s house so I left and stayed the night with my bf, then he told me if I wanted to stay and live with him, and start a more serious relationship, I said yes I really liked him and we were still going on dates to get to know each other and we spent a lot of time together, I started to feel in love with him and notice he did too, coming to later on, we found out I was pregnant a year later(2018) and we were really happy(we weren’t trying but we still wanted kids) we started to plan to get married, but a couple of weeks later I had a miscarriage and since we were already happy to be parents we started trying to get pregnant ( not right away tho) so in April 2019 we got pregnant again miscarriage again, May 2019 pregnant again miscarriage again, Jun 2019 same and July 2019 same(he was working away from home this time so I had to go thru this alone), we were so tired and disappointed we took some time off, we didn’t try for about a year and a half, so we go a little distant after this, but we talked about it and fix the problems, we started to try now with a fertility doctor(but this doctor didn’t wanted to do testing or anything) so anyways we were taking medication and doing as the doctor said, they told me my ovaries were fine and I was really healthy, so since we started trying again (March 2021) we been seen different doctors, we went to a clinic where they run blood work but said couldn’t help me out bc they didn’t take any type of insurance, so they referred me somewhere else( never got a call back, and they never gave me the other clinic’s phone number) anyways the only thing they told me is that they find something unusual in my bloodwork, so to this day I’m

trying to find a good fertility doctor in town or close but there is 0.

Now going with my mental health problems, I feel like I’m depressed and I don’t know how to get myself together to find a psychologist (or however you say that) I don’t like myself as I used to I don’t feel comfortable in my own skin and the worse part of it all it’s that I don’t have anyone but my partner to talk about it, and I can’t really talk to him about this bc there’s some mix feelings, I sometimes feel like I’m pushing him away I need to talk to someone who can give me advice or something, I really love him but I can’t even deal with myself right now, I can’t get myself to clean around the house or even workout, nothing, the only way I feel confortable it’s by staying in bed and eating and eating, I have gain so much weight and I’m starting to hate the way I look, it hurts to see other people happy bc I feel like I’m stuck and I can’t get out, my feelings are all over the place and what hurts me the most it’s that my fiancé it’s really trying and I just keep pushing him away, I don’t know what to do, should I ask for some alone time ? 😔

Depression