I know this is a hard enough topic to talk about and it's even harder for the circumstances it was under too, some people may be angry or have mixed feelings about this but I can assure you I am hurting just as much as the rest of the mummas with Angel babies.

My pregnancy was anything but easy or normal. At the start of all of this in the first trimester I was incredibly sick from 6 weeks until 12 I couldn't keep anything down so it was hard trying to keep up with my little girl. But everything seemed normalish, I was referred to a dietition as I had a very low bmi to begin with. At our 20 week scan we were so excited to see what we were having and my husband and I were wishing and hoping for a boy (would of been happy if it was another girl too) we were so excited to see it was a boy and finding out on our anniversary was even more special! We were ecstatic.

Then came the bad news "babies limbs are measuring small we are going to refer you to a specialist it's probably nothing to worry about"

I was worried but the news of him being a boy made me not think to much of it just yet, until I had my doctors appointment the next day with the doctor saying we are very concerned there is something very wrong but I can't tell you what. She couldn't even tell me what it could possibly be.

I got a letter in the mail from the specialist (that's 3 hours away) saying they have booked me in for an ultrasound and to see a genetic counsellor in three weeks time to see what's going on. I was freaking out and to wait that long for someone to give me answers was hell.

Three weeks of severe anxiety later we went in babies limbs were measuring small still, babies head was slightly misshapen (more pointed towards the forehead) and his feet were turned inwards. More things that looked wrong but still no one could give me answers. But I got an amnio done "come back in another two weeks"

I got the results and no one could tell me what was the cause still but something was definitely wrong.

I came back in another two weeks and to see a specialist on what could be wrong but still no one saying what could be wrong. They looked over and saw the head shape was worsening, the arms and legs haven't grown at all and he definitely had clubfoot. The doctor explained with the evidence shown my baby would have to have surgery on his brain they didn't know if carrying to full term would make his skull then affect his brain if it kept getting worse, he would have to get his clubfeet corrected and have back problems and some form of dwarfism that he might not survive being born. It broke my heart into a million pieces. I was then forced with the decision to either terminate or continue on with a bleek look on my babies future at 26 weeks. My partner and I both have anxiety and depression and aren't financially stable enough to have a special needs baby plus having a very demanding year and a half old we had to make the decision to terminate for not only the good of our little family but the quality of life for our little one.

It was the hardest decision I have ever had to make when I thought I was about to complete my little family.

At 28 weeks I got a needle in my stomach to stop my sweet little boys heart when I tell you just after they finished I instantly stopped feeling him moved I let out a few silent screams of heartbreak as I sobbed with my husband looking so crushed with his hand in mine the strongest man I know let's out a tear. That moment in time felt like it lasted forever.

Two days of carrying my dead sweet boy I was induced my labour went from 9am until 6:36pm I was so so scared because I knew what was coming I knew he was gone and there was nothing I could do I was so mad and angry "why did OUR baby have to have something wrong" "why do we deserve this?" was what was going through my head. I finally gave birth after three pushes. The nurse asked me if I wanted to hold him and I didn't know at the start if I could do that but in that moment I wanted to see him more than ever. My husband ran out of the room he couldn't even look which I didn't blame him for. I got to hold my baby and gosh if he wasn't the most beautiful thing I'd ever seen. Yes the things the doctors said was true I got confirmation on what he looked like but gosh I loved him and thought he was beautiful anyway. He had his daddy's dark hair and nose he had my chin and what looked to have been for the most part my face shape. It gave me a little peace seeing him and holding him but wow did it make it all so much harder and more real. I didn't want to let go but I had to.

Rest in peace my little Jasper.

Stillbirth Moms