We just “officially” began the TTC journey a short 2 months ago. I say “officially” because we had a couple months during which we spontaneously “tried”. We knew it could take several months to conceive, but were ready to begin! I had been off birth control for about 9 months, and tracking everything since. My cycle is very predictable, and I felt confident that I knew my body. I started using ovulation strips, and on the second month of trying I felt different during the two week wait. I had some spotting, and my boobs were extremely sensitive and sore. Being so in tune with my body, I just knew this was it! I never get these symptoms at this point in my cycle. I then had a little more spotting right around the time implantation would typically occur. Again, not typical at this point, but another good sign! I felt heaviness in my lower belly, and had an uncharacteristic back ache, more good news! So, I began testing with the hundreds of little strips I had stockpiled from Amazon. On a Sunday I got the faintest line! Then remembering that these strips aren’t the most sensitive, I grabbed the first response stick. Sure enough there was a more noticeable faint line! I was a little excited, but was still several days away from my expected period, so I knew I needed to wait to know for sure. I grabbed the test and showed my husband, and he was cautiously excited as well! The next day the line was definitely darker. My husband and I discussed how we would tell our parents at Mother’s Day dinner. We still said we needed to wait to know for sure, but it was exciting talking about the plans. Over the next few days I probably took another 30 tests. Some with darker lines than others, but not a direct trend of continuously darker lines as I had expected. I began to notice some light pink spotting a couple days after the first faint line, which made me think this wasn’t going to happen. I then read that it can be normal, still wasn’t sure, but felt a little more at ease. The day of my expected period came and went with just the light spotting I had been having, but no typical period symptoms. I’m usually never late, and the tests were still showing faint lines. The next day I had some on and off cramping, and then began noticing clotting. This still didn’t feel like my “normal” period. I went to the bathroom so many times at work that day just check. I had a couple really big clots, which is not typical of my period, especially in the absence of heavy bleeding. I then felt that I was having a chemical pregnancy. I got a little teary eyed at work just before lunch, but pulled it together for the rest of the day. The bleeding then seemed to slow down, but the clots continued. Then the next day I had more of what I consider my typical period. I knew then it was defiantly a chemical. I had read so much about this, but just did not truly think it would happen to me. Heck, I even personally know a couple people who had experienced this. I just was more upset than I ever would have expected to be. I spent the whole next morning crying. Just doing chores around the house with tears uncontrollably streaming down my face for a few hours. My dogs must have thought I was crazy. I couldn’t even control it. I literally never thought it would hit me like this. I prayed and prayed, and began to feel a little more at peace. I didn’t blame myself, my husband, or God. I didn’t even ask “why me”. I was just truly upset. It’s crazy how early on you can actually “feel pregnant”. I never really knew that was possible so early on. I’ve always been an optimist with the “glass half full” kind of mentality. Pretty much all of my friends and family would vouch for this. I also love to know the scientific research behind things, which comes from my medical background. So, I then began to scour the internet for information on chemical pregnancies. Luckily I didn’t have to look too hard to find that most women go on to have successful and healthy future pregnancies after a chemical. This can also be considered a good sign of fertility as it shows that I can get pregnant. The best part is most conceive within the next couple months! Supposedly women tend to be more fertile after chemical pregnancies, and of course my optimistic brain took this info and ran with it. I then tested again the next two mornings just to make sure the tests had turned negative, and sure enough they were stark white with only one pink line. This just helped to confirm to me (and mostly my husband) that we were not going crazy with those faint lines. I then seemed to be at peace with the situation, I didn’t really cry anymore, and was just ready to continue praying and move on. So here are my takeaways from this experience:

1. Cheap Amazon tests are accurate, and even pretty sensitive!

2. I now know what my body feels like pregnant, albeit early, but still pregnant!

3. I have so much respect for those women struggling on the TTC journey. For me it’s only been a couple months, and although I had a chemical, at least I know I can “get pregnant”. I truly feel for those who have never even seen the faintest of that second line. And for those who have experienced pregnancy loss, whether it be early or later on. Seriously, I’m praying for all of you.

4. I know God has a plan, and only he knows when it’s best to bless us with a baby.

5. I’m trusting the process, and seeing the silver lining in this. I’m putting this down as a “good sign” that my body knows how to be pregnant.

6. I’m not upset that I tested early. To be honest, I knew I was pregnant from the symptoms alone. I also like knowing that I was pregnant because it helped me learn so much.

7. And finally, I know that when we do get that sweet babe, having been through this will make the experience that much sweeter!

Chemical Miscarriage