Mental Health Support

This group is specifically for women who have or know someone with mental illness.

Creator: Mary

Members: 1m+

11 years wasted with three kids?

I’ve been with my partner for 11 years, from the start of the relationship the goal was always marriage after I finished school. Since 2021, the topic of marriage makes him angry. When things actually got real and the time actually came for us to move onto the next step, he started making bogus excuses. He always has an excuse as to why we can’t get married. First it’s his mom doesn’t approve and his family doesn’t support (mind you they “seemed” to love me), then it’s he no longer believes in monogamy, to I’m disrespectful(he never found me disrespectful before the marriage topic). I’ve been pushing through and holding on to faith for the sake of the kids since 2021. Countless times he’s cheated on me, hangs up the phone on me, travels “for work” but to actually see other women, belittles me at any given point. When I share my sentiments, I’m disrespectful and he can’t marry a disrespectful person. I know all the right thing to do but it’s so hard to let go after all these years. I always desired a two parent household for my children. So many sacrifices on my end just to end up a single mother of three young children, while he has a flourishing career. Help me. I’m mentally and emotionally losing it

Last reply 3 days ago

I also grew up with this idea of a two parent household for my children, but you have to know that there are worse things than having separated parents- namely, have your children see the way you are treated in this relationship and carry that with them, either in the form of replicating that with future partners (they will see that this is how a man treats the mother of his children) or having them mimic the amount of respect they expect to deserve from others (since you are receiving none, they may similarly expect to receive none). I know it’s hard to cut ties with someone you’ve been with forever, but I would argue, if you don’t do it for you, do it FOR your children. This type of dysfunction is extremely damaging and can perpetuate cycles of dysfunction for them down the road. That’s not to say he won’t be a part of their lives in some way, but they need to see you embody a healthy functional relationship (or at least see you demonstrate self-respect, if they are ever going to expect it for themselves). This situation is in no way your fault or something you’ve chosen, but you do have the choice to end it and pick better values for yourself and your kids. Wishing you the best.

Started motherhood early and now I work with others of my age without kids and I feel lowkey ashamed?

I became a mom at 21 but I’m noticing that majority of people I work with who are around my age don’t have kids. Idk maybe it’s showing that this upcoming generation is more hesitant to have kids than before but now I’m 25. And I did find out I’m pregnant again but I haven’t announced it at work yet and I just heard a conversation that validates my reasoning. Well there is one other coworker who just had a baby at 23 so she’s also a young mom but we’re the only ones. Idk tho because I think my manger is 26-27 and she’s also pregnant. It’s just difficult to really relate to them because I was 21 yrs old, and I don’t work with them at all. I work nightshift so it’s mostly young people without kids bc if you have kids usually you work days so you’d be home with them.So I often feel left out especially when I heard a conversation about how they see people their age getting married/having kids and they’re like omg I couldn’t imagine doing that and yeah I’ve changed so much it’s insane so I could never have kids that young. Idk it makes me sorta feel left out that I didn’t wait to have kids like they did and I have a daughter already. I just wish I worked with more people my age who had kids. There are older ladies but they’re in their thirties/forties so perhaps they had kids when they were my age but now they’re aren’t my age so I can’t really relate to them. This is why I’m hesitant to announce my 2nd pregnancy. People are so judgemental, like one girl was like yeah I have friends and I can’t believe they’re already on their second and they just got married so I thought that was kinda late to be getting married. Like wtf who are you to judge when ppl get married and have kids? Idk I’ve just always dreamed of having kids since I was a teen so I’ve always wanted them. Maybe if I was more patient I’d wait until I was older or hold off. I can’t undo my daughter and this pregnancy, I live in Texas and abortion is illegal. Anyway, idk I’m on my 2nd while most of my coworkers my age aren’t even having kids. So Ik I’ll get judged because they were describing it as “kids having kids.” I mean I do agree I was super young and when I have patients who are my age with kids I realize like they’re super young to have kids and I was as well. Now it’s too late though and while I’m 25 now it’s still taboo at my job somehow? Is any age acceptable to have kids?? Idk how even younger moms deal with the judgment and discussion. I can barely do it when I was just 21 and now being 25. I’m also not with my daughters dad and I made a mistake super young choosing the wrong guy. And now I regret it bc he isn’t around for our daughter. And thinking about it makes me want to turn into a puddle of shame bc of how badly I screwed up choosing my daughters dad. :(

Last reply Mar 7

I feel like there will always be the “have kids” and “don’t have kids” cliques wherever you are and age has nothing to do with it lol People like to talk to others who can relate to them. You had children young so your life looks different from theirs. It’s nothing to be ashamed of because it was your choice! You wouldn’t suggest they should be ashamed for waiting so don’t worry about it girl.

Yes, daily/a few times a day

Last reply Feb 24

Common? Yes. Normal, no. Please talk to a therapist.

Stuck and Hurt

I have been with my husband for 11 years (married for 2 of those years). I have always wanted to be a mother and I’ve always been very open about that throughout the relationship. My husband never wanted kids before me but has told me more than once that with me, he would. He would often make jokes about having kids being terrible and say kind of mean remarks about people with kids. It definitely all seemed light-hearted but it started to bother me in the year that we were engaged. Early in the year we were to be married, I started to evaluate my life with him. I had spent 9 years of my life with him and I was starting to feel like he would never be on board with having kids, despite him saying that he would. I had a really bad day. It was on my mind and I spent the entire day in bed just crying and feeling numb. My husband was just kind of mad at me for being upset and not talking to him about it. When I did talk to him about it, he assured me that he loves me and that we would have kids just like we had already talked about, etc. He told me he was sorry that he got mad at me for being upset but he was scared that I was thinking about leaving basically. That’s all that I can really remember from that day. It was a lot so difficult to recall… Anyway, I have been having a difficult time lately. I am almost 29 and I imagined being at a different point of life by now. I thought I’d at least have one of the two kids that I’ve wanted by now. Our coworker’s wife, whom is my friend, just recently told us that she’s pregnant and it broke me. I am so happy for her but it’s just making me look at where I am and what I need to do in order to get my life together…I went through a horrible trauma. My mother left home and got together with an ex-boyfriend from high school that was released from prison. There are a lot of layers to the situation but she did not come to my wedding and there has not been much communication for the last couple of years. … with everything that happened in that situation, I lost my job and just kind of curled up and checked out of life for a while. I need to change my career and financially prepare us if I want to have a baby any time soon. It’s on me because my husband has only ever worked for himself teaching music and performing music. He supports the majority of the household right now so he can’t go to school or anything like that so that’s why it’s on me to figure it all out… I’ve been emotional about it and stressed and just pouring myself into research and making decisions about what to do. Well, I had a couple of breakdowns and again, the response from my husband is just anger and lack of understanding. He keeps telling me there’s no reason to be upset and there’s no reason to cry. Things like that. I felt like he wasn’t being fair. He can’t feel what I feel. He has said, with a pissed off attitude, “it’s going to happen so I don’t know why you’re upset” but he knows that early menopause runs in my family and my mum was unable to have kids right around the age of 30. He keeps telling me I should get tested to find out how much time I have but it’s scary, you know? Obviously it’s better to know but he can’t understand from my point of view that if the time isn’t long, that will be terrible to know. It will only make things worse and more stressful. I am getting the test now but I am scared. I didn’t tell him I’m getting the test because I just can’t deal with it right now. I’m hoping it says I have a lot of time. I am sad. I do want a baby, now. But I do think I will feel better about it if I know I have time. I can take a deep breath and I’ll still be sad but I can focus and get into a good place financially and be ready. …the issue I’m having is the way that my husband has presented himself over the last week while I’ve been having a difficult time. He’s said “there’s no reason” for things I’m feeling a lot instead of being supportive and trying to understand what I’m thinking and feeling. The one time he tried to tell me that he understands, he compared this to him not making it big with music. He had a dream as a young person to be a big shot in the music industry and it still bothers him that he isn’t and probably won’t ever be. My sadness surrounding this whole thing “insults” him because “we are going to do your thing but mines done, never doing to happen” … I understand where he’s coming from but he doesn’t get it either. As women, we literally watch our chances of having a family pour from our bodies for a week every month. For those of us that want it so badly, that’s hard. I know people have it worse. There are people that want it and know 100% that it won’t happen. I am not discounting those people or their situations. I get that it could be worse but for him to compare my feelings to a musical dream, I feel isn’t fair… also in our conversation he said he hoped that he would be enough. That we would be enough. Which is sweet and I do love him but I wanted to be a mother first. And I’ve told him time and time again for the past 11 years that I would never change my mind about that. And in our back in fourth of an argument that I didn’t want to have the other night he said “I honestly thought you would just get over it”… that day that I spent crying in bed all day thinking that I chose the wrong person because we want different things in life that he assured me everything was fine… had he said THAT on that day.. that hopefully one day I’ll “just get over it”?!… I would have ended the relationship right there. Where the fuck did that come from? I can’t get over it. It’s lodged into my brain since he said it. When I look at him, when he talks to me… it hurts and I’m confused and I feel stuck and I just don’t know what to do now…

Last reply Feb 18

He told you from the beginning he didn’t want kids. You thought he’d change. He said what you needed to hear to stay. This is the oldest story in the book. You fell for it. It’s very likely it’s not going to work out and if you do end up with a baby, he’s going to resent you for it and dip. The writings on the wall here. I’d cut my losses at this point and move on and find someone who wants what you want from the beginning. Or do it alone with a donor.