I have a daughter who is 9 1/2. She’s a very very sweet girl but when she gets angry, she has pretty bad outbursts. We think she’s showing some signs of puberty so maybe that’s partly why, but anyways..

She had this issue where no matter how many times you tell her not to do something, and I’m talking simple things, she wouldn’t listen. My husband asked her to stop putting his shoes on to go outside because she flattens the back of it and it’s ruining them after months of her doing it. Well, she wouldn’t stop. And there’s about 5 other little things that she was doing the same thing.

Days ago, I finally sat her down and had a talk with her because it’s not okay that she’s straight up refusing to listen on little things even though each time she says she will. I told her I wasn’t mad, but that there has to be a consequence because it’s not okay. And she kinda shrugged me off and said okay, and then said “well you’ll change your mind.” So we talked more in depth about that, about how she feels like because she doesn’t get in trouble, she doesn’t have to listen.

After some time of talking, we agreed on a week grounding. That included no video games, no iPad, and losing her staying up late. And she laughed and said “ok you’ll change your mind”

Two days went on and she got angry when she realized I wasn’t changing my mind at all. And I’m talking angry enough to scream at me. She told me I’m so mean and so hard on her.

I was abused by my mom growing up all my life so I tried to always get my kids to learn the lesson without harsh consequences, which is why I always gave them opportunities to get out of trouble when they’ve shown that they understood and learned.

We are now on day 5, and every single day since day 2, she is NOT changing her mind or learning. This is the first time this has ever happened. She is still telling me “your rules don’t matter” and I keep responding with “as long as my rules don’t matter, you don’t get out of this.” And still, she’s maintaining it.

I’ve tried to talk to her more in depth about what’s going on, why she thinks this, why she’s suddenly acting out so bad, and she’s saying that there isn’t a reason, my rules just don’t matter because she doesn’t think there will be a consequence. I believe her that it’s her only reason.

Before anyone tries to say that something else is going on, no she doesn’t go anywhere without me. No, she’s never alone with anyone that could harm her. She’s still very open about her feelings and we have a joint journal we use. She’s my bestfriend.

Maybe she’s testing boundaries? Seeing how far she can push? This morning I asked her why she was playing with her brother when she shouldn’t be (it was early in the morning and the commotion woke up the baby) and her response was.. again “your rules don’t matter because I’m not going to get in trouble because you let me play with my brother last night” (she’s referring to my toddler who is 1, who went into her room last night. I wouldn’t even say she was playing with him, she was just singing a lullaby and he was dancing) so it’s not like I lifted the privileges or changed my mind.

Which is crazy considering she’s been in trouble all week and she’s not having fun lol. Now she’s in more trouble and she’s crying because she lost more privileges and now she’s saying I’m too mean and she doesn’t understand why she’s in trouble. Which is why I’m at a loss for words. She understands fully why she’s in trouble, and we’ve NEVER had issues like this.

Do you guys think she’s just testing me? Do I stand strong and keep going until she eventually realizes ? Or am I completely wrong here? I have no help so I have no one to ask

Parenting