Miscarriages are always unexpected, right? They just happen. They happen to the moms who try everything to have a healthy pregnancy just like they happen to the moms who have the least healthy life style. So why do I feel so bad? so confused about how GUILTY I am for miscarrying my baby? Why does it hurt so much? When does it hurt less? I ask myself these questions every week.

Earlier this year, January 26th to be exact, I miscarried a baby I had been praying for for so long. My fiancé and I weren’t exactly trying to get pregnant, we were simply not stopping it either, for 2+ years. So when time passed and I wasn’t getting pregnant, we did get a little worried! Just after we decided we wanted to make an appointment with a doctor to help us figure out what’s happening, I find out I was pregnant. Although it was very unexpected we were so happy when we left our first doctor appointment. Yes! the OBGYN allowed him into the ultrasound room because it was our first baby together. I have a 9year old from a past relationship that he raised with me as his own. My fiancé had been so caring and gentle since we got that positive pregnant test! especially because the only reason I took that test was that I wasn’t feeling at all well. Everything hurt! my back, my lower abdomen, I was nauseous, my favorite perfume smelled like fart to me, and the cramping kept getting worse! it only felt good to SLEEP! So I was napping multiple times a day. When we left that doctor appointment, we were so excited! he told his family and friends immediately! I told my 3 good friends and enjoyed watching him tell his family. We were so excited and I was … also so exhausted. I drove to a few places and held my lower belly praying and telling this little piece of us to please hold on tight! “You need to hold on tight little one! Daddy, brother, and I are so eager to hold you!” but the cramping would start and I would start to cry and now I was pleading “God, please!! please let me keep my baby…” A day passed by and I thought I felt better. The next, I was in bed unable to move after spending an entire night in the emergency room. It was awful. I called my dad to tell him “I am pregnant, daddy…. and I am losing my baby”. I screamed and cried like a manic in those hospital aisles “daddy, I don’t wanna lose my baby!!! what do I do?!” my father cried with me as he tried to give me strength “it’ll be okay, princess. God knows your life and situation better than you know it yourself. Allow Him to do His will.”

3 days later, baby fell out of my body. Piece by piece and as if that wasn’t enough torture, a huge clot finally fell into the toilet.

“baby..” I let out a quiet breath. It felt like if a piece of my heart had fallen with it.

I went numb. Days passed and I acted as if I had gotten my regular period.

It wasn’t until my first period came that it hit me. “wait- what’s this? I got my period. *sigh* that’s right… I’m not pregnant..” and that’s where it all started. My depression! my emotional roller coaster! my uncontrollable tears!

I hid it. From everybody! my parents, fiancé, 3 good friends, everybody. Finally, my face started to feel weird! My head hurt a lot and so did my arm, one day I was driving and my face went numb. Immediately I told my mother who’d had facial paralysis once & she gave me a pill to help me. I took it two more times after that. We talked, we vented somewhat. I thought that would be enough. It was finally out of my chest. Then, about 2 weeks later, I’m ovulating, I could tell. So there I am, rushing out of my house with the excuse that I need to do the market so I can sob in my car. I’ve been doing it for months now. Finally, I told my friend a couple days ago. I told my sister in law! I told them in hopes that venting would help. It did, a little. But something’s missing… I can’t tell what.

Has anyone ever felt this way after a miscarriage?

Miscarriage Support