My fiancé and I already talked about getting remarried. (We were married to each other before, but we couldn’t handle our differences, divorced, and split for 3 years. Then we reconciled.)

He said he wanted to get me a ring. I told him to get a $1 stainless steel ring from the wish app. That the meaning was what was important. He then asked if I could choose any ring, money not an issue, then which would I choose. I showed him the one on Etsy that was $150 that I fell in love with. I couldn’t tell if he liked it at first, but then I told him why I liked it.

It was an uncut diamond ring. Imperfect on the outside, but pure on the inside. Kind of like our love for one another. I told him if we won the lottery I’d want that one for me and he could get a wedding band with a raw diamond embedded into it. He seemed to love the ring too.

One day he came over and said “I ordered you something buttface. You better love me.” Then he said look, and I looked and he flashed me the picture on his phone. I didn’t see it of course. He taunted me with the phone and then finally showed me. It was an uncut diamond ring. But this one was $1,400. I said “omg no you didn’t!” He said you know what it looks like, but not when you’ll get it.

When he got it in the mail, he was going to give it to me then. He said “your hand is missing something. I want to go ahead and give it to you, since we are already engaged. But I want to present it in a special way. I’ll give you a hint, it involves our son.” I was excited to see what he’d come up with.

He was always so thoughtful. My dog got sick the day we came home from having our son, and she passed away. He got me a custom pillow with pictures of her all over it. He said “so she can continue sleeping by your side every night.”😭❤️

I told him, “well, you know I’m not going anywhere, so you hold onto the ring until you have it all set up.” He had so much excitement in his eyes.

Every day after work, he’d go check on his mom at the nursing home, then he’d come to my house and we’d either go out or stay in and watch YouTube or movies. Most of the time, we would fall asleep on the couch. I was running on very little sleep due to nursing our 3 month old. And he was exhausted from work. I would wait by the door or window when he texted me he was on his way and then his blue car would pull up.

A week after he wanted to give me the ring, he died. Blood clot. He texted me and those messages make me feel sick because I was asleep. I did wake up earlier than usual, about the time it happened. I think his spirit woke me up because 5 minutes later his brother called me. I just screamed no over and over. I think it made his brother hate me, but it was so unexpected. I just.. we had our life planned out together. We didn’t fight anymore. I just don’t understand.

His family went through his belongings, and all I got was a shirt he had bought when we went to Biloxi for vacation. It still had the tags on it. No scent of him on it at all. They gave our son a splash mat that my partner had bought for our upcoming vacation. After talking with my therapist, I realized he was going to propose on the beach, on our previous wedding date.

I asked them about the ring and they said they didn’t find it. This was during Easter 2019.

The other day, one of his relatives bought some stuff my son outgrew, and told me the truth about it. His brother found it, and gave it to his aunt and told her to not give it to me. 😞

My partner would be so upset. I notice things that are too obvious to be a coincidence. They have to be signs from him that he’s angry about it. He wants me to stand up for myself. I have a lot of trouble doing that. But some signs I’ve seen, like I saw a car like his but it was red. I told my son “there’s a car like your daddy’s but it’s red, I wonder if that’s a sign he’s angry.” And there’s never been red ones like his vehicle around my area, and I would notice because they make me think of him no matter what color I see, which are blue like his or black, and the other day I saw three different red ones and right after I saw each one on three different occasions on the same day, an advertisement would come on the radio just a second after I see the red car about Deep Vein Thrombosis and how it causes pulmonary embolisms that can be deadly. The third time I took a video and picture of the car and showed my mom to make sure I wasn’t hallucinating. I’ve seen people lose it after losing their spouse and I don’t want to go down that road. Although, I feel like I’m already there.

The day he died, we went to visit his aunt and have them explain what happened. On our way home, my mom had a pop station on the radio and it got staticky, and one of our wedding songs (we had a mixed cd playing at our wedding with songs we dedicated to each other) which the song trying to come through was by Sleeping with Sirens, and I never heard them on a radio station or even on a station close to that station my mom had it on. I don’t think that’s a coincidence.

I also have recurrent dreams of him knocking on the door, he picks me up, twirls around, hugs me, says he’s not sick anymore, gets quiet, then says that he hasn’t told his family he isn’t dead, and then sits on the couch and he looks so angry and confused about it. I don’t understand why he is coming to me in my dreams about that, what can I do about it? I mean, I guess he could be venting to me. Or maybe I’m crazy. I hate this. I want my husband. 😭

Grief Support