I think my husband is toxic. Really.

We’ve been together for nearly 21 years (we’re both 40), married for 14 and we have 2 children (age 9, 6 and 3).

We had a rough period in our marriage before the kids, I cheated on him but he decided to stay.

Even though it’s been more than 10 years, I’m still getting comments like “you’re a slut” sometimes even in front of the kids.

He can be super sweet at moments and then I say something that pisses him off and I get called all the names in the world. When it’s not me, he talks badly about my parents and my sister (even though they’ve always been amazing with him).

To him I’m lame, narcissistic (even though I literally do nothing for myself), stupid and unable to do anything correctly.

When something happens to the kids it’s because of me. It got to the point they don’t want to tell him when something happens because they know he will yell at me.

I know I should leave but I’m not working, I depend on him and I don’t know how I can take care of the kids by myself.

My family doesn’t live in the same country and I have nowhere to go.

Now to add to that, last month he went over my credit card bill and told me I’m wasting his money (all spent on groceries or the kids) and that I shouldn’t have a credit card but he should give me an allowance every month and it will “teach me” how to be responsible with money.

I go out with friends roughly once or twice a year and I get comments about it while whenever he wants to go out he’s more than free. Same for weekends with friends. I don’t even dare suggesting going on a girls weekend because I know I’ll hear about it for years after.

I’m ashamed to be letting him treat me like that.

No one knows around me, everyone sees him as the perfect husband because he always compliments me when others are around.

Today I was preparing our son’s 3rd bday, the cake and decoration while he was just on TikTok, complaining when I asked him to help me hang some balloons. Then he went off about my sister and her family coming to visit us next week which he of course, isn’t happy about it. “Why aren’t they taking an Airbnb? Hotel? Why do I need to have their ugly kids around my house? We only have one extra room”

It’s true, they recently moved and have a bigger house and easier to accommodate but even before when they lived in a small flat they always had me and the kids over and gave us their bedroom while they slept in the living room.

It ended with him saying “you’re not sleeping in our room tonight and if you come I’ll physically kick you out”.

I shouldn’t be sitting here crying, I should take the kids and leave but he’s so much stronger than me and he’ll destroy me. He already mentioned he’ll tell the kids I’m a whore because I cheated on him and he’ll make sure they hate me.

I don’t know what’s the point of this post but I need to get it out.

Marriage Support