I am choosing to stay anonymous just because this is difficult for me to talk about. Lately I’ve been having doubts about my marriage - I’m hoping to connect with some people who may be able to give some genuine advice…My husband and I have been together for almost 6 years, and 2nd wedding anniversary in 2024. We have an 8 year age gap. Everyone feels like we were always destined to be together. But, ever since me and my husband got married, he’s slowly begun to turn into a person that I don’t really know. The changes started to occur, in the spring of this year…

• My husband definitely has anger issues. He claims it’s anger with himself, and I think he’s trying to work on it, but it’s really difficult to be around that energy. Nor do I think he really has the right to take his anger with himself, out on me. He was sweet, patient, and kind; he was understanding, even when we disagreed on something. Now when we disagree on something, it feels like he always has to be right. He can have an attitude about the tiniest things, like if something doesn’t go the way he wants; that can result into yelling matches about nothing. He has road rage. I feel like there are small, things I can’t talk about with him about because he thinks I’m being critical of him. When he does hear me, admits to his faults, he can become horribly aggressive with himself. He cries, he hits himself in the head repeatedly, thrown things. He uses a lot of negative self talk and calls himself a “failure” and “stupid” and “selfish.” He’s made comments about how he doesn’t feel like he’s good enough for me. Then turns around and apologies profusely and swears he’ll work harder on addressing our issues. When I have tried to talk with him about his anger problems, he says that “he doesn’t feel like he’s changed that much” since when we got together. Or he’ll say, “yeah babe we’ve been together longer now, I feel like you’re telling me not to have feelings.”

• Whenever I express worry for him, it feels like he just gets irritated with me. I’ve told him as such, but he always insists he’s not upset; his tone and body language suggest otherwise. I’m not mad when he looks out for me; It hurts my feelings when I express my worry, and he’s dismissive about it.

• I feel like a lot of the household chores have just become my problem. And there’s just two of us. He cooks (loves it), and cleans the cat box because it was “his cat first,” before we got married. I always try and tell him how much I appreciate his help. But the floors literally won’t get swept or mopped unless I do it, the bathroom is never clean unless I clean it, he leaves his trash all over the counters and his clothes all over the floor. He has boxes taking up space in our apartment, that he has not unpacked since we moved into our new place (I’ve asked him repeatedly about them, over a year). He’ll occasionally do the dishes, or help fold laundry - if I ask. Dishes are the worst, they’ll pile up for weeks, and then I just end up doing them because I can’t take the mess. His excuse is always “sorry babe I forgot” or “sorry, I got sidetracked.” He’ll make this excuse even when he actively sees me doing chores. We both have ADHD, we’re on the same meds, I’m younger than him, and I feel like I act like more of an adult.

• It took him over a year to set up direct, auto deposits into our joint checking account to pay rent. He’s pulled money out of our joint savings to pay his rent, there have been at least two instances where I’ve had to pay the rent all on my own, because he either forgot to put his share in, or he didn’t budget. He finally set it up, but he did it after we had a massive argument about it. He both make enough money to pay our share, there’s no excuse for this.

• Even when we were dating, I’ve made it CLEAR, that I have no interest in having children. Period. There’s a lot of personal reasons, why. I thought we were on the same page, but since we’ve gotten married my husband has made comments about “if he was a dad.” When I remind him of my feelings, he responds with something along the lines of, “Well, I’m not saying we have to have a kid right now” or “we could always foster or adopt.”

•He doesn’t take care of his health, that well. Doesn’t eat fruits or vegetables. Drinks pretty much nothing but soda and he’s approaching his 40’s in the next 5 years. He’s rail thin and tall, so I think he equates the fact that he’s not heavy, with being “healthy.” But his dad has the same body type, had the same dietary habits as my husband, and his dad just ended up having open heart surgery! I work out and prefer to eat healthier foods, because I am so active and work so much (3 jobs). He uses nicotine (vape). We both used to use cannabis, but I had to stop because I got diagnosed with CHS. When I told him I was stopping cannabis for good, he was like, “oh babe, you should be fine if you have like one joint in like a year from now.” Which may be true, but I didn’t feel it was very respectful of him to continue to push the matter.

• We don’t value family in the same way, especially where my family is concerned. I get along super well with both sides of his family. So much so, his mom and siblings have commented I talk to them more than he even does. Whenever we’re with my folks, he’s always looking for an excuse for us to leave. My family like him! But still, there are still times when my mom asks if my husband is “comfortable” around my family.

• I don’t feel valued in the same way, sexually, as I once did. I know he’s very attracted to me, we do have great chemistry in bed. Shortly before we got married, he started talking about how hot he would find it to see me be intimate with another man. He has some voyeristic tendencies. I hated the idea when he first brought it up. I told him that, but he said he “wanted this for me,” so I can be able to “have freedom.” I’ve experimented with what he’s wanted to do, on two separate occasions. It was fine, but thinking back on those times, it’s not something I want to do again. I just want to be desired, for me again. I don’t have the heart to tell him, this stuff he’s into isn’t really my cup of tea.

Aside from all that, I mean we got married and fell in love for a reason. He has made me feel so loved, seen, heard, respected. He tells me every day that he loves me and that I’m beautiful, but we argue about the same things at least two to three times a week. We have a TON in common. So idk, it’s just making me sad and somewhat scaring me that the bad is starting to so dramatically outweigh the good in our marriage. I am appreciative of all thoughts / input!

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