So backstory. I was in a relationship 15-17. He was my bestfriend and I was heartbroken when he broke up with me in lockdown - it was obviously young love.

During our time apart I met someone new once i’d turned 18. This was not planned or searched for, I was very much still thinking about my ex as he’d been in my life for a long time and I was adjusting to him not being around at all (it was my decision to cut contact).

This new guy was a mutual friend and one day he messaged me asking to take me out for food. I was reluctant because of my ex but at the same time I had that old refreshing smile. I was told I should go and enjoy myself so I did, as rightfully so as my ex broke up with me right?!

Anyway, we spoke for a few months and he was eager to make it official however I’d always put the serious conversations off. I made him aware of leftover feelings for my ex as I always wanted to be somewhat honest but he was willing to wait. He wasn’t a rebound though, I never searched for that I didn’t care for something like that. I was honestly scared, especially after what i’d been through.

After around 8 months since my ex and I broke up/ 3 months of seeing this new guy, my ex got in contact with me. Not to get into detail but I didn’t run straight back to him but wanted to make amends and keep my future open so i ended it with this guy. It was so much harder for me than he or anyone else ever knew. I was grateful I’d met him and he taught me a lot about myself that I needed to learn and I would never regret it.

We did remain friends until we all went our separate ways at uni and drifted (haven’t seen them for over a year now for reference). Eventually I got back with my ex. I’m now 20 and we’ve just surpassed our two years (second time running lol) and I couldn’t be happier. He is my bestfriend and just everything to me, I could not wish for someone better and we’ve made such great memories since, all repaired.

Despite this, I can’t help but feel slightly.. strange sometimes. I in no way am unhappy in my current relationship, I actually couldn’t be happier. He’s been in a relationship since and i’ve been happy for him. There’s really no bad feelings, things change and people move on. But sometimes I think about him and it makes me feel guilty.

I’m not sure if it’s because of the way I ended it - I could have done it better and I never really gave him a proper conversation, I don’t think he ever knew how much he meant to me. I’m not sure if I just miss him as a person. i’m not sure if he’s a reminder of a good time in my life and it’s just my brain reflecting on this? It doesn’t keep me awake at night but from time to time it does cross my mind. I hope this doesn’t make me a bad person. I guess I just want some clarification on that haha as I don’t feel like discussing this with anyone.

I just wondered if anyone else has a similar experience? I feel like this feeling can apply to lost friendships too. Sort of wholesome but hollow now, like knowing someone once and then seeing them one day and thinking you know them but really you know nothing about that person anymore. I’ve defiantly had friendships like that too..

Dealing with Breakup