“We’re not seeing what we should be in the uterus…”

Friday, September 3rd started pretty normally… we were anxiously awaiting our 12pm ultrasound to see if our little baby “Chip” was growing like it should be.

Noon came and we went in for our ultrasound… being that this was my seventh pregnancy, I knew what to be looking for. When the ultrasound tech told us she’d be right back with the doctor we knew it wasn’t going to be good news. I’ve suffered four miscarriages over the last seven years… so surely this had to end differently, baby “Chip” had to be there doing it’s thing.

Sadly…that wasn’t going to be the case.

My doctor came in to explain what they’d seen on the ultrasound, signs of an ectopic pregnancy. Cue the heavy tears 😢. My doctor explained the risks, concerns and the next steps. I had to get lab work done to check my HCG levels and determine if baby “Chip” was still growing or not.

About an hour went by when I got the call, my numbers were going up meaning baby “Chip” was still growing which meant I needed surgery… as soon as possible. Cue the ugly crying at this point 😭 The surgery would entail removing my left tube, which is where baby “Chip” was growing. The fact that baby “Chip” was still growing hurt my heart so much more.

My husband drove me to the hospital so I could get a Covid test before going back to the clinic to do the paperwork for surgery. Getting a Covid test was not enjoyable, but I’m so very thankful to the nurse that came to do it. She was so kind and was able to ease my nerves through the whole thing. She also didn’t judge my constant tears rolling down my face. When that was done we went back to the clinic did paper work, I cried more, and then we went over to the outpatient clinic to prep for surgery.

Within another hour I found out I didn’t have Covid, was prepped and wheeled into the OR. Everyone that was there was so calm, nice and really took mine and my husbands feelings into account. They knew we were suffering a loss and were so sensitive to our emotions. As I laid in the OR before surgery my doctor stood by my side, rubbing my arm and talking to me while the anesthesiologist got me to relax and then put me under.

I woke up in recovery and was surrounded by nurses and my doctor ensuring I was safe and comfortable while coming out of anesthesia. They were truly amazing through this whole process.

After my doctor talked and showed me pictures I can’t feel anything but thankful for her. Thankful she was being honest and upfront with the risk if we didn’t move forward with the surgery. Thankful that she literally had my life and well-being as a priority. My tube was close to rupturing, there’s no telling if it would’ve happened this weekend, next week or the week after. But it would’ve been soon, which would’ve left me in a much worse position.

As I sit/lay here at home recovering I’m dealing with a lot of emotions; grief, guilt, gratitude…to name a few. The grief I’m experiencing is heavy, my husband and I were really hoping that “Chip” would be where it should and we could have a “normal” pregnancy. Knowing that it was growing but we had to move forward with the surgery was heartbreaking. I feel guilty because of the plans my family had for the weekend and all of that had to change in an instant. But I’m thankful to my doctor, my husband, my family and my friends who, without evening blinking stepped in to be accommodating and make sure that my kids were taken care of and I was safe. My level of appreciation cannot be measured.

Miscarriage isn’t talked about much, but through my losses I’ve done a lot of reading and one of biggest things I’ve read about healing is sharing and talking about your experience. I’ve never shared any of my other losses, I talked with my husband, family and close friends in the moment but then do what I can to pick up the pieces and move on. None of my other loses lead me to an OR either, so maybe this just hit me differently.

I’m not sharing my story for sympathy or anything of that nature. I’m sharing it so I, and my family can heal. I want people to know that this happens more than we’d like to admit, and it’s dark and heartbreaking, but I know that I will heal both physically and mentally.

My family will heal and we will be able to move forward because of the amazing medical staff, family and friends we have close to us that are supporting us and ensuring we are okay. ♥️

Ectopic pregnancy