Well the day has come, the day that so many women who have children love, and why wouldn't they because it's the one day that they get extra love for what all they do for their families. Today is also the day that some women just want to avoid, I'm one of those women. For me today is the one day that my heart will break the most. Today is the day that I will want to avoid any social media because I know what the majority of posts will be. Mother's Day. Today would have been my second Mother's Day. I imagine being woken up maybe with a breakfast, a handmade card with a heart on the front and something attemped to be written on the inside, and being told "Happy Mothers Day Mommy!!" the best they could with upmost excitment. But thats what I imagine. A thought that warms my heart but breaks it at the same time. This mothers day is harder than last as I am going through another loss. The happiness I felt those few weeks ago when finally the test had a plus sign. After 3 years of not being able to get pregnant, 2 surgeries to discover I have endometriosis and to burn away what could be burnt. Having some worry that my worst nightmare might happen once again, but having some faith thinking why would it? after how long we waited , after what all we've been through? NO WAY it won't, I'm going to finally be a mommy !! Being too excited we decided to tell our parents, a few close friends and of course my employer with the descretion that we are still SUPER early (6 weeks at the time) but we just wanted the support. Excitment of wondering if we were having a girl or a boy, the baby shower,even labour !!! I wanted this so bad for so long, everything was so exciting to me. Fast forward to a week and three days later and I'm once again living the nightmare of mourning the loss of my little angel. So today my heart hurts twice as much. What I would give to see both of my babies faces, give them a hug, and just hold them for awhile and just tell them I love them. Today is the day I wonder, about everything. What hair color would they have had? their eye color? what their smiles would have looked like, and what their laughs would have sounded like. So today, THIS DAY, Mothers Day, is so bittersweet for me. On this day I think of everything that could of been. I can't say should have been because deep in my heart I know those beautiful babies of mine were never ment to rest in my arms, because a greater power had bigger plans for them, but they were made to rest in my heart for the rest of my life. So today when I see the posts and I see the families my heart will break because I'll wonder what my family photo would have looked like today, but at the same time I will smile because everyone in those pictures will look so happy, except for maybe those little ones who are just not feeling picture ready today, but you will still see the happiness glowing through. I know that I am not alone on this day, all the women who never got to hold our babies, to those who have gotten to hold their babies but not for long, to anyone who's child has gained their wings before we would have wanted them to we are still MOTHERS, and however we wish to celebrate this day is 100% up to us. If we want to go out for dinner and celebrate that is our choice, if we choose to stay home and cry all day that is our choice as well. To all the Mom's out there who have their children with them to cherish this day please believe me when I say that this (whatever this is) is not to be taken as a bashing towards you. I'm not mad that you have a family,  I'm beyond happy that you get this opportunity and get to experience the joys that parenthood is said to bring. I am however sad for myself today wondering why I couldn't have my family yet (I'm still holding out some type of faith that someday I will). So in closing I want to say Happy Mothers Day to all the moms out here and the moms to be (as I believe we become mothers at conception). We are all one team and we are all a strenght of our own. And to my babies a quote,

 "No one else will ever know the strenght of my love for you. After all, you're the only one who knows what my heart sounds like from the inside". -Kristen Proby

Thank you to all who took the time to read. Much love to you all - 

Melanie.