Close to giving up..

Hey guys, I really just need to vent. I really don't know what to do anymore.  This will be very long, I hope you won't mind. I feel like everything in my life goes wrong. Ever since I was little nothing was good for me. I would get hit with belts, shoes, backhanded and my moms rings would make my mouth bleed. I'm not saying I'm the only one this has happened to, and I definitely am aware I have it nowhere near as bad as a lot of others do and have. Like I said, I just want to vent. When I was little I'd play with stuffed animals in the livingroom and try blocking out my parents screaming in eachothers faces a couple feet away from me. We ended up moving out away from my dad (although I still saw him.) until the guy that my mom knew threw a brick through our back window, and tried setting our house on fire. As a kid, I was completely terrified and never wanted to be there. My mom says my dads cheated on her a lot, and I know my mom has cheated on my dad a lot. So she's always left and came back. I know she was suicidal and had problems with drugs. When I was in 8th grade she left my dad for good and found another man. Her and that guy are still on and off. She lives in half a size of a normal camper now about 15 minutes away from us. (Me, my two younger brothers and my dad.) school was never good for me, I was always behind and always bullied. I started self harming when I was 13. My mom said "she just wants attention, ignore it." I soon fell for this boy online. Who lived in another state. Of course I was catfished, but it was so real to me. He kept me happy. Me and him were on and off for about two and a half years. When I turned 15, the cutting became awful. I was doing it everyday more than once. My aunt took action when I swallowed a bunch of pills & the cuts became quite deep. The one place that was always a safe place for me was my grandmas. That's who I could talk to all day long and jjst be happy. She had a clean, nice smelling house. She let me cook with her, every Friday I went grocery shopping with her. I'd get my bath, then go outside and play in her big yard and catch lightening bugs. She'd tuck me in with a snack and cartoons. She'd get me anytbing I needed for school. If She heard a cough, there was medicine. If I was hungry, there was a meal. Everything and anything with her was always pleasant. Late 2014 she found out she had cancer. My self harming was still out of control. April 2014 I ended up in a mental hospital. My boyfriend (the one online) would leave then come back. I was in the mental hospital for 5 days, didn't eat for 3. No I don't have an eating disorder, I just didn't want to do anything. My heart was breaking. The tears were endless. He would break up with me, but do the whole "I miss you" to mess with me. And honestly, I really was madly in love with him. What I felt was so real and I could feel the actual pain in my chest when I knew it was over, and when he left for good. My grandma died a month before he left for good. Right back to the mental hospital I went in August. 2014. The two most amazing people I lost within a month of eachother on top of everything else. The cuts became more severe. I strayed more and more away from doing any school work. (Online school.) we had bed bugs my dad refused to take care of. So after bawling my eyes out, I laid down being bit up. There was trash all over the house. My dad actually once said "I hope he's fake. (Talking about that guy online.) "And you kids deserve to be molested." He said we deserved it becuase my brother said he was a molester for the things he says and does... Which can be weird sexual comments, or the things his friends have said to me. Just earlier my dad told me I was basically a spider on the wall. I'm just kind of there. He told me I need to clean the entire house. I don't mean sweep, fold laundry or dust. No. Our house is beyond trashed. There are gnats flying everywhere you look, molded food. I busted my ass for months to keep it clean. But it's hard to do it by yourself everyday when no one appreciates it. And when you do it everyday nonstop. My boyfriend told me I should stop becuase he saw how much it stresses me out. I've been to counseling, but it's so expensive. Or I don't always have rides. The only clean room in my house, is my room. I sweep it everyday, every other day. I pick things up. Wipe things down. I have febreze and my room is just clean. My dad tells me I should stop being a "lazy mother fucker" and to get my ass to cleaning. He wonders why I don't like to go into the livingroom. Why would I want to? I understand completely why my mom left him. The other day my dad said "you're a pretty girl, but you should maybe start working out. If you got pregnant right now you'd definitely be overweight and you won't be able to get it off." I said "I can't believe you said that to me the other night." He laughed and said "oh I said that" the amount of creepy things he's done to my mom.. All these things he's said to me. All the things that has happened it's so hard to cope anymore. I don't have motivation to even do school anymore. He screams in my face and punches things and constantly puts me down right after pretending to want to bring me up. The sports and all the friends is what gets praised in this family. Which would be my 15 year old brother. I'm 17 now. I have awful anxiety. I want to get a job and be able to get out of this house with my boyfriend when I'm 18 and continue to work online schooling in our own home. I am so broken and so stressed I don't know what to do. All of this is just such a small fraction and portion as to what my family has said and done to me. I'm sorry it's so scattered and random things here and there. And how long this is. But it is so hard to go on. Especially when the one and only person you know would always say they loved you and showed it, passed away. My parents will tell you how loved I am, but you don't say and do those things to someone you claim to be just your whole world. And no one sees what happens behind closed doors.Please no mean comments, and I'm sorry if any of this seems stupid or unnecessary to put on here.. I just want to vent and for once speak about how I feel without being put down for it. I'm afraid to even have kids and let them come around my dad the way he acts. I will not have my children be raised the way I was.(when I have kids in the future) There have been many nights I go to bed in blood and tears just wanting help. One time, one time I reached out to my dad for help, he told me to just go back to bed. Yet will tell everyone how much he tries to help. A lot of times my 12 year old brother will just hide away from my other brother and my dad, so I will cook for him or watch cartoons with him. It breaks my fucking heart. I'm in so much pain, and the way I feel about myself is flat out terrible. I hate what I see in the mirror. I hate the way my whole life has been. To anyone who has actually sat there and read this whole thing, you're amazing and I'm thankful you care to hear. Again, please no mean comments. But it's true that not everyone has somewhere to go or someone to talk to. I'm running out of options and I'm slowly giving up.