I remember it like it was yesterday. 

I stood outside my work with my OB on the phone, I had blood drawn earlier that morning and 72 hours prior due to some minor cramping and spotting. Eagerly hoping to hear that my levels are doubling as they should, and then she said it "I think you are having an early miscarriage." Instantly I burst into tears and the woman said she was sorry and tried to comfort me by saying I'm still young. Her words didn't stick. All I could think about was my baby, this life that was growing inside of me.. And I missed it already. We didn't plan on this pregnancy and we were shocked and scared but got used to the idea, and before we knew it everything had been taken away. Our baby died and my heart was crushed. I was so upset I had to leave work. This was the start to the longest week of my life. I've never cried so much before, for no reason I just laid there and cried. The only person I wanted was my mom. It felt like the worst heartbreak of your life, like you lost your true love. Walking around with a blank stare. Not knowing what to feel.  I couldn't imagine that this was happening. 

Right after I got off the phone with the dr's I was going to call my boyfriend, he had just texted me asking "is everything healthy :)" and that crushed me. 

Within the next 72 hours I went to the hospital for cramping, the did repeat blood draw and an ultrasound. Results came back that my levels were up and the ultrasound still showed a gestational sac with no fetal pole yet, which they said was normal. I left the hospital with a false sense of hope. Because just as I thought, 72 hours later my levels dropped by over half. That's is when, if I remember correctly, I started to pass tissue. During this time I felt the worst physical pain I've felt yet. Hardly slept that night and by the next morning the pain subsided some and that's when I started bleeding. I sat there and cried. Cried for my baby. 

I knew my boyfriend was there for me the best way he knew how. But no matter what they say or who they are, nothing makes this feel better. And you feel so alone, like no one can relate. Then your mind races. All the what if I did this, or didn't do that; if only there was something I did different. Or what did I do wrong? It's amazing the attachment and love that comes on so strong and so quick. I still get sad sometimes, I see friends having babies and people I know getting pregnant, and I get jealous. Jealous that their bodies are making a tiny human right now, jealous that too I would have been preparing to bring a new life into this world with the man I love in the next two months, and I feel so selfish. And then you just feel sad, it's an overwhelming sadness, one you can't shake. Sad that you'll never be able to hold your baby, or kiss your baby's nose. Watch that child grow. It feels like a piece of you is missing after. It's hard thing to explain. 

And then still you feel alone. 

I felt like because it was unplanned, we weren't married and we were still so young that I had to just brush it off and act like nothing happened. That I couldn't talk about it and I felt "stupid" and ashamed almost, that I was so upset about this pregnancy loss. I was only 7 weeks along, still so early. But I've come to realize, that NO pregnancy loss should be compared by weeks. No matter what, that was still your baby, and that was still mine. 

8.6.16 👼🏼 baby L. ❤️❤️