Devastated

I went to the emergency room this morning after some significant bleeding and cramping. They did a urine test, blood test, and pelvic exam an told me that I just had a UTI...they gave me some antibiotics and sent me home. I called my doctor's office and they told me that since the er diagnosed me there was no need for them to see me. Throughout the day the cramping and bleeding got so much worse and I was literally in the worst pain I have ever been in. My mom called my doctors office and told them she knew I had been to the er but something was wrong and that there was too much blood and that I was in excruciating pain. They said go to the er now. On the way it became very clear that I was experiencing preterm labor at only 15 weeks. My water broke in the car and at that point I knew I would never get to hold my little boy. I got to the er, in so much pain and explained to them that I was 15 weeks pregnant with severe vaginal bleeding, cramps, and that my water had just broke. They put me in a wheel chair and sat me in the waiting room where my mom and I waited for the next 40 minutes. My aunt and uncle arrived around that time and I started vomiting which made me involuntarily push and blood just gushed out of me and I started shaking uncontrollably. My uncle went and pitched a fit and it was then that they realized their mistake and rushed me back to a room, cut my clothes off and barely got me on the bed before my little 4 oz. Baby boy was born lifeless. I have never felt such pain and loss. I will never get to hold my sweet little son and hear his little cry. I am so grateful that just three days earlier I had an ultrasound where I got to watch my very healthy, active baby squirm and move. Grateful that I have pictures from my ultrasounds because they are my most cherished possessions now. I am utterly devastated and grief stricken over losing my sweet little love. Grateful that when my mom was able to come and see me I was told that my entire family (aunts, uncles, grandparents, cousins, siblings,in laws) were all in the waiting room grieving with me and giving me the support I need. It is going to be a long journey to healing...I feel like I got the life kicked out of me. Nothing in my life has ever been this hard. I now understand that no one can ever know your pain until they have gone through it too...which is why I appreciate an outlet to share my grief with those of you who know my pain and understand the agony of having to say goodbye to my son, Donald Remind Whitehurst. I will always love you baby boy.