Terrified!
For as long as I can remember I wanted to grow up and have a family. But somehow, between childhood and my late 20's it's faded away and I've lost my desire 'to do what my parents couldn't, and give my child all the love and the whole family I never got to experience'.
In 2006 I had an abortion and felt nothing but relief. I was so sick and the guy was a real selfish Jackhole, I had been doing speed and living with a friend and plainly decided that becoming a mother at that time was no good for me or the possibly tetrogen affected cluster that would become my child. This guy already had 2 kids he had nothing to do with and so it turned out to be a good decision. Since then I've finished HS got my Associates and have been working on my bachelors, nearly there!!! And the guy is somewhere in the dust of all that progress, tormenting and taking advantage of another broken soul.
Now I'm six years in a relations with My SO and his 3 kids, 1 got recently chose to move back in with his biologic mother (who is in over 40k debt for child support to her handful of children she has no custody or rights to, the state removed them) but he as well as my daughter have with me for 6 years as their 'step-in mom' as I like to call it, and the youngest we co-parent with his mother, which is AWESOME. Anyway... Now that I've hit thirty and am running out of time, so to speak, and my sister making her decision to opt out of motherhood, I find myself feeling no desire or drive to have a child. I'm terrified of it exacerbating my medical conditions (asthma, depression, guttate psoriasis) and of giving birth to be frank. Recently my SO has been expressing how much he wants to expand our family with me. Some how I can't help but feel guilty and selfish, and worry that if I do have a children the whole experience would be tainted by the pressure and ultimately damage the child I didn't desperately desire. I have absolutely no drive to create a life, with the exception of a dirty dream or two during ovulation. I have wondered if it may have something to do with my meds, or the abortion, or the school and work, or the family I'm raising now and the child I 'lost' back to his womb donor, or just genuine fear of pregnancy and delivery.
Someone please holla at me and let me know if you think I should be seeing a therapist or think it normal, if you feel the same way, please let me know I'm not the only one; maybe we can compare notes.
Thanks.
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