Eating disorder. No judgement, please. This is the only safe place I have.

I am a mother of an almost 4 year old. I have been TTC for over a year now and have miscarried 2 sweet babies that I miss very dearly💜 I want NOTHING more, than to have another baby and be pregnant. My husband and I have been together for 5 years.

Silently, I have been suffering since my last loss.

I had anorexia from the time I was 12, until I was 15.

Since miscarrying, I have gained 60lbs and it triggered my obsession with weight and food to come back. I cannot eat, without forcing myself to puke or without an overwhelming guilt. I eat maybe twice a day and I always sob and feel guilt after eating. I feel even worse about myself admitting that I have an eating disorder since I am 200lbs and bigger than I've ever been. I have had NO weight loss, so this makes everything worse. If I get pregnant, I will stop restricting myself from food and forcing myself to throw up what I eat but I hate that I have a constant war going on in my head... "Be pregnant? Be skinny? What do I want?" Obviously I want to he pregnant more than anything but I worry that the weight gain that comes afterwards would make me hate myself more..

My obsession with food and wanting to be skinny while wanting to be pregnant and have another baby and also recovering from losing two babies is wearing me down mentally.. I wish I could just be normal.

Again. Please no rude comments or judgement.. This is the only place I could finally get this off of my chest and confess my daily battle. Thank you to everyone who read and did not judge me..