I DON'T UNDERSTAND

In the 2 years that my hubby & i had been intimate, we weren't exactly TTC but weren't about to prevent either so gradually both became somewhat concerned that there hadn't even been a scare... back in February I knew in my heart within a week that we'd conceived & got the girst bfp at about 3 weeks 5 days, we were indeed expecting our first little babe! Exactly 2 weeks later I woke up bleeding. Hubby tried to calm me down, reminding me that as a doula, let alone a woman, I know bleeding doesn't necessarily mean miscarriage but, he didn't understand what I knew in my gut. I'd felt that presence when it arrived & now it was gone. I ended up in the hospital where they discovered it was either ectopic or I had a massive cyst on an ovary... 2 solid weeks of off & on pain & bleeding & just emotionl agony. I know it's "normal", I know the statistics... but, I'm not a f'n statistic! I'm a human being who's only certainty she's ever known was that she needs to be a mother, to perform the sacred act of birth, to nurture, to love & be loved... yeah, yeah... "we can try again..." BUT I WANTED THAT pregnancy!!! I WANTED THAT BABY!!!

Anyway, here we are months later, I'd been put on progesterone about 2 months ago & wad convinced I was once again pregnant with this last cycle, had a familiar pressure in my uterus & everything. 2 days after af was due I got a vvvvvvvvfl then 2 days later (4 days after af was due) & I began bleeding. This was 2.5 days of unusually light, bright red (not normal for me), with nearly no clots (again not normal for me) & what clots I had were much smaller & not dark red like normal but instead the same bright red as the rest of the blood. 9 days later, still having the uterus pressure, peeing every hour on the hour, I began bleeding like a normal period for me but rather than my normal 3-4 days this went on for 6 days... here I am another 1.5 weeks later & again still having the uterus pressure, peeing every hour on the hour... wtf is going on with my body?!?! Mind you, I have tested periodically during this time, the first was a faint positive & the rest have all been negative since. Anyone ever have anything similar happen??? I'm beginning to fear hubby & I may never hold our babes... I don't know if it matters but, I typically have very, very regular cycles at 26 days long.