To my sweet boy,

One day I'll tell you, one day you'll understand why mommy gets a little crazy, and why she repeatedly tells you you are her saving grace. One day I'll explain to you why mommy feels down about herself, and why sometimes she seems like she is stressed out or not happy. My sweet boy I want you to understand that it is nothing you have done. That YOU are what gives mommy strength and courage to continue on in her day when she's having a hard time. That YOU are what keeps her healthy and reminds her to take care of herself. That you my love are my smiles and my laughs and my love. That one day many years ago your daddy saved me and that years later you did the same. I hope you understand when mommy seems like she is shutting down, or hiding away that she just needs a little time and a reminder that you and daddy love her no matter what. That your love and hugs and kisses are the only thing I need. I hope you know my sweet pea that you made mommy love herself again and you will never be able to understand how much that means to me. I love you my sweet baby boy. More than you know. 

At 16 when I thought I couldn't control anything in my life I fell down the rabbit hole of controlling my weight. By 17 I was fully immersed in the world of anorexia. Starving myself, over excersising, obsessing over my weight, becoming compulsive about how much I needed to eat Infront of everyone so that I could hide my disorder but burn it all off later. At 19 I decided I needed to change. That I could t live my life and destroy my body any more. At 20 and 21 I had brief relapses but was able by some miracle to pull myself out of the rabbit hole again. I struggle every day with my demons and have to actively remind myself that the thoughts I have about my body are just my old demons trying to surface again. Pregnancy has stirred up a lot of old feelings and every day I struggle to make peace with my changing body. But then my boy kicks or I remind myself of the miracle that is happening within me and I am reminded to be heathy not only for me but for him. I am learning to love my body and love the changes that come with creating a life. I do this for my sweet boy. I actively work to be healthier for him. He will never know how much he changed my life and how much he saved me. This is me. 29 weeks and 20lbs heavier and learning to love every change I see. Each change in my body brings me one day closer to meeting my baby boy.