What would you do.. Blended family troubles. Long post

Question

My daughter is from a previous relationship. One that I left and moved away from without much of a work to her dad. I've always felt guilty for how I left and made every effort to make sure he is a big part of my daughters life. 
He lives about 5 hours from me and so he sees our daughter 4-5 times a year for a week at a time. 
My fiancé has always harassed me for bending over backward to make sure she gets to see her dad. He says that they(her dad and his family) take advantage of it (which they do) and I should just say no when they ask to see her. 
Fast forward 5 years. We had made a plan that he was going to take her for 2 weeks in July and 2 weeks in August. He took her in July and I had assumed (nothing had been talked about) that he wasn't able to take her in August, so we carried on with plans and life. He messaged me yesterday and wanted his two weeks. I told him no because she needed time to adjust before school starts so a week is the most he could have her for, but because we had plans this weekend he couldn't take her until Saturday evening and she would have to miss her brothers birthday for her to go. I wanted to have her make the decision because it is her relationship with her dad and her relationship with her brother, and it isn't really my call to make. 
My fiancé is pissed at me for even considering her missing her brothers birthday and thinks that I should tell her dad no, and that they can wait until Christmas to see her again. He said it's unfair to her brother (which it is) and that, that should be enough to keep her home. 
I feel like he is putting our sons wants and needs above our daughters wants and needs. Am I wrong to allow her to make this decision? 
What would you do in this situation? Btw my daughter is 7 and my son is turning 4

Answer

My daughter is 7 and I will ask her what she wants to do. I ask her if she wants to go to her dads or if she wants to stay with me. She usually goes to her dads every other weekend but most of the time she doesn't want to go. I feel it's best to let her decide who she wants to be with. I won't make my child go to her dads if she doesn't want to. I think kids who have split families should be able to make that choice and know that whatever they choose is ok. That's just me. I don't think you are wrong for letting her decide. Your husband needs to get his head out of his ass though and be more supportive of you trying to have a civil relationship with your daughters dad for your daughters sake.

Answer

Well I think she has a right to see her father if that's what she chooses... But it does suck she will miss his bday

Answer

Beings that she is with you guys majority of the time i think it is fair for her to go see her dad. She is gunna miss one birthday its not the end of the world there will be more bdays to attend. Personally i wouldnt let her make those kind of decisions til she were older but thats just me if you feel she can make that decision then let her. My step daughter 6yo doesnt get to choose when she is with mom or dad we have a schedule and we stick to it as much as possible only switching and exchanging days when needed. she doesnt need the pressure of making that kind of a decision at that age. Kids grow up and have friends and lives to live so she may not be seeing him as much when she is older due to those other things that come along with being a teen. I would say encourage the relationship with her dad and let her go. Also always best not to assume. If you agreed on something and werent sure you could have called/text/emailed him asking to make sure. He is at fault as well for asking last minute and not ahead of time to let you know when he wanted the 2 weeks. You should tell him that next time it would be appreciated that he let know in advanced when he wants those weeks.

Answer

My son is 4 years old (turns 5 in March) and he is capable of making decisions. He is also from a previous marriage. Luckily his father lives 5 mins away from us. So he has him every other weekend and a day during the week and brings him back home. But there are days where we have plans to go or do something, and his father asks to have him. I let my son to choose. I explain what we are doing and if he still wants to go with his dad. There are times he says yes. But you should have times sets with him since he lives far away. Like the week of spring break or winter break  (or both) OR for a whole month in summer (July seems more convenient) and get over the discussions on who is doing what when and where. But that's just my opinion

Answer

Update.
 She went back and forth on her decision and I could tell she was having a very hard time with it so I just told her to go and enjoy her time with her dad and that we would do something with just her and her brother when she got back (before school and the new baby comes) to make up for the missed birthday!

I think she was happy to have the weight off her shoulders! I guess she's not quite old enough to make that decision herself. Although I would never make her go if she didn't want to.

Answer

I would let her decide. She lives with you, her brother and step father. So therefore she see y'all majority of the time. Her missing one bday will not harm her relationship with her brother. You husband has to understand that of the shoe was on the other foot he would not want some man coming between him and his son. So he should not try to come between your daughter and her father. If she choses to go with her dad then it should be allowed. After all it is her biological father. Just my opinion.

What would you do.. Blended family troubles. Long post

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