Hey fellow mom's. I am a first time mom of a 5 week, 6 day old. Thats nearly 6 weeks of giving it my all to make this breastfeeding thing work. I have struggled the whole time, concerned about the amount of pain and that I wasn't making enough milk. My LO was always hungry, feeding for an hour and then when detaching, immediately was rooting again and if he didn't get the breast, he'd scream and scream. The doctor and the lactation consultants said everything looked good, keep it up. Don't worry, your milk will pick up. Your body is made for this.

Terrible advice. I know they were just trying to comfort me. I was feeling terrible about it. The best I could ever do was 2 oz at a time. I knew this because I started pumping in between those hour long breastfeeding sessions to try and increase production. I could struggle for 40 minutes to only get this small amount (and often was only successful in getting 1/4 or 1/2 an oz), and this was only possible if I heavily massaged my breasts the whole time. The pump never stimulated increased milk, my baby didn't stimulate increased milk. So what was wrong with me?

I tried fenugreek and blessed thistle and oats and lactation cookies and almonds and even dark beer as a friend told me that worked for her. And all for nothing...no increase. I tried nipple shields to help the pain, which did help, but then a few days back to natural nipple, and they were cracked and painful again. The frequent pumping only increased the amount of pain in my nipples, enough to bring tears to my eyes.

At 5 weeks old, my baby had gone from the 50th percentile at birth down to the 1st percentile by weight. He was starving.

I looked to any resource I could find. Maybe there were others out there struggling like me. Maybe they would know some tricks. But all I could find were posts devoted to engorgment problems or baby is spitting up because I make too much milk. It was like a slap in the face. I was literally doing everything I could, it just wasn't working. For whatever reason, my body just wasn't doing it.

Today, I have yet another lactation consultant appointment, suggested to me by the local LLL. I have already decided that if she doesn't have any other ideas or show me a way to comfortably feed, either breast or pumping, then I have to quit. Quit punishing my body and my mind. It's physically and emotionally exhausting.

I wanted to post this in case there were others out there beating themselves up. You aren't alone. I know you feel like you are, because I am right there with you.

Also, here's an article I found on the bump today. It's as if someone knew I needed some validation of this terrible time and that I needed to hear it was OK to quit.

From The Bump: "How To Let Go Of The Breastfeeding Guilt"

http://www.thebump.com/a/how-to-let-go-of-the-breastfeeding-guilt

https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.xogrp.thebump