This happened to me years upon years ago and I've never been able to talk about it openly anywhere or with anyone. One night I  broke down into tears and almost told my SO... But I never could tell him because I don't want to hurt him or for him to react in a way where he seeks out violence on my attacker, that was also years ago. Whenever I was in college in 2010.. My current SO and I broke up for a year.. We are middleschool sweethearts. I ended up "dating" someone that I thought was a close friend of mine from highschool.. I wasn't ready to date but I had a hard time saying no... And I ended up accepting him asking me to be his gf the night before I started college. I was lost in life at that point... And he was not my type at all. My sister who is 14 years older than me pulled me aside at my moms 50th birthday and asked why I was with this guy.. She knows he's not right for me and knows he's not my type at all. She didn't have a good vibe. Everyone thought the relationship was off. At a mutual friends house one night we were drinking.. And planning to stay the night because of this. I don't know how I got so messed up but I was at the point of blackout drunk.. I remember being on the couch in the living room with all of the lights out and my pants were off... I didn't even know what was going on but I didn't want it to be happening. He was giving me oral.. And trying to have sex with me. I remember not being able to help myself or get up or move. Hours later I was so sick and needed a shower but I didn't want him there I didn't want his help. I didn't want him to see me naked.. I wanted my friend Julie to help me in the shower.. And not let him in. I remember him busting through the door anyways and I did not want him there.. Looking at me. Why did I stay with this person? Why did I let him manipulate me? I've never been a drug user... But I let him convince me to take shrooms one night.. He said it would just make me laugh at everything for a few hours. Well, it didnt. It was scary. It lasted for 12+ hours.. All of which I was terrified by him. He forced himself on me again and I remember him saying how hard it was to have sex with me because I was so small or tight and he didn't know how my ex did it. That's disturbing and it has stuck with me. I'm sorry I'm putting this out here. I could keep writing. But I'm giving birth to my first daughter with my middleschool sweetheart in two weeks and These memories are haunting me. I fear I won't ever be able to tell him.