I am better now. Still, sometimes I have nightmares. I feel dependent on a drug and my new family.

Still, sometimes I look back. Sometimes, I have nightmares. Some months are worse than others. I have suffered abuse. I know the pain and thoughts. I am a whole lot better. I am a survivor.

However, I blocked a memory out and i want to know what happened. I have been molested by a cousin , an ex boyfriend (who also raped me an blamed it on my family), and an uncle after puberty. I wonder a lot though if something happened before then. My sisters and i showed signs of sexual abuse. However, no one remembers. The cousin I know molested me has a dad on the sexual offender list. I have another cousin who is accused of sexually molesting my aunt. I remember being about five years old on the side porch and sitting on a lap. I remember running to my aunt begging for helps saying he would kill me and not being believed. That is when my fear of men occured. I acted out. I'm not sure what to think. I don't know what happened. That's when the nightmares began.

Abuse occured in the home. Physical, emotional. Neglect. I sometimes still act out. The cousin accused of molesting my aunt lived with us. Nastily, my mom fell in love with me. We was brainwashed, filthy, starving, freezing, angry, shy, scared, hurt, and failing, falling, dieing. He would yell at us, stare at us, hurt us, threaten us, pretend to love us. I thought some nights that i woyld die. I found it weird when people ate more than one meal a day. I was lucky to get a shower a week. One night i almost froze to death. No idea how i survived that. Because paying bills was not important for my mom. Neither did she find keeping a job important. He one time banged my sister repeatedly against the wooden floor. So did mom. My older sister and i was made to take care of the youngest who got away with everything. We was so bitter and mean to each other. We stayed up til four on the morning and wake up at Six to get ready to go to school. Sleep wasn't important. Dinner was served around two to three on the morning. We slept a lot in all of our classes. We tried to avoid everyone. Being close had meant someone might find out and that was bad. Mom never protected us from anyone. Though she claimed to. She didnt care when i tried to kill myself. She forced me to take pictures with the man who molested me and yelled at me for not being nice to him. And then mocked me for being happy that i handled it well. Everyone was an enemy to them. He would spit on us and beat the dogs. He would baby my mom and turned her into a monster. Mom and dads marriage obviously fell apart. Mom tought us to hate anyone who objected her. Everything we did was wrong. Mom was better than Jesus and we was brats trying to kill her. So we was told. She tought us to be dependent. Several times we ate ice cream for lunch. Junk food, soda, cable, fighting, and ciggaretts was too important to them. There was no budgeting. We was tought to fear people with authority. My sister was choked until she turned blue for not getting up in time. I was made to clean up after everyone. The cousin would eat everything in sight and mom would call everyone fat and lazy. As she sat on her royal throne, her filthy bed surrounded by filth.

I am a great mom. I made my husband promise to make sure and protect my daughter even from me even if i turn into my mom. I pray to God i dont and constantly try my best to improve each day. Im no longer brainwashed so i dont. My sisters still are. Do they hate me? Will i ever have contacy with them again?

One time the cousin mom is with told me if he could he would shoot me. That it would make moms life better. That I was killing her. I remember the screams.

I remember the fights. I have been called a liar, told, this was all a dream. I made it up. Then, i get told i should of made moms life easier and that it is all my fault. It isnt. That caused me to lose a lot of people who despise my husband and child as well as me. They are out of my life, obviously..... I am better.....

When I was molested, mom screamed, as he sat there. Could it have been him? What happened? This bothers me the most. Not knowing. I'm better now. I still ache, I still hurt. I want to turn to alcohol, but I found love and happiness so I dont. My husband and child is what I love for. So, I'm a whole lot better.

Sometimes, I rely too much on my mediacation. When I tried to kill myself, my mom told me I was horrible and exaderating. I kicked them out of my life. I have triggers that upset me. I can't be a passenger or a driver by a male. Ciggerette smokes make me sad. Why did they have to be more important than me? How come they wouldn't listen ? I had to say goodbye to my sisters to lose the abusors. I hate that. I sometimes don't want to move. I am better. Maybe I'm not better....? I don't know.

I have been molested by my cousin, hit by him in the privates and forced into touching him. I have been stared creepily by an uncle that when tickling my sister and i, touched our privates. And, my mind chose to block out what? When it wouldn't let me forget the other stuff? What happened? I hated being alone.... but at thee same time I refused to be with certain people. There's only two people I suspect. Am I wrong? I honestly deep down think it was the cousin who was accused of hurting my aunt. Why? Could it have been him? He has done other terrible thing s. Weird how my sisters had similar symptoms. Or was it other stuff? There was a lot going on.

I'm so confused and wanting answers.

Even though, it is now all over thanks to my husband and daughter. I just want answers and to forget. I will always love them. Even though they hurt me. But, i cant have them in my life or my new family's life. I forgive them, but I will never forget. I am better, but some nights I sink down to that hell. What's the matter? What happened? Why can i remember everything but that one thing? Who knows..... maybe nothing happened? Maybe it's nothing and I'm wrong. Or did something happen..... no idea..... and, will I always for the rest of my life have nights like these where I crave alcohol because I feel my demons tugging on my as nightmares and memories dance tauntingly all around me? Will this torment never end?

It's better. I'm not so jaded. I'm on the road to recovery. Im not giving up. I'm happy.

But will these nightmares and nights of remembrance ever die? I still keep wondering what is wrong with me for being so angry, for enduring it so long without getting help, for feeling still this way after a year. It's been a year. Haven't let go yet. Can I ever forget? Will I ever remember? If I remember, then can I let go and forget everything else?

I hope no one ever has to go through abuse. I hope there's a full recovery for everyone. Why must we endure that?

How will I tell my daughter that my mom walked out on us? On being a grandma and mom? Will she understand? I'm glad it's all better and that I have a daughter to show what my mom failed to show. I'm happy and grateful that God blessed me with strength, a daughter, and my husband and his family.

Does the pain ever cease? Will I ever stop being scared? What can I do to stop the pain and remembering and flashbacks? Will that ever go away? How come my antidepressants can't take that away? What will? I want not to cry when I See or listen to certain things. Will that ever stop ? I need answers..... or something......

Most importantly, what is everything that I can do protect my family from this and from the bad people I'm related to?

And.... My husband is my hero. He saved me. We love each other deeply. However, sometimes he gets sad. If he touches my clitoris, I start thrashing about screaming and kicking and hitting and crying. I don't want a clitoris. I hate it and when it is touched. My husband wants to touch it but when he does it hurts. Emotionally, it kills me and i remember everything. It's a trigger. How can I stop this? How can I fix this? Will I ever enjoy that?

I'm so confused and lost..... yet happy and better. How can I improve myself? I have a great support system. I don't know...... what can I do? To protect my family? To protect me? To help others? To get answers? Do any of you have any answer to my questions? Or anything?

Will I ever stop wondering if someone hurt someone in my family like I have been? Will I stop wondering if this or that person will touch my daughter and being so scared to trust anyone with him or her dad? I don't want them to be hurt. Ever. What can I do to ensure that certain people wouldn't hurt them? How do you go about a restraining order? How does that work? Is that a good or bad idea? Will it lkeep us safe? Will it stop me from being so scared? What will help?

What will chase away my nightmares? What will keep them away? Time? Pills and alcohol and cuddles don't work. They help ease everyrhing. That's it. I want the nightmares to end. The night's I sometimes have when I feel so empty. Why will help? It's not often now. Just sometimes I get down and there's no cure. Why? What's wrong with me? I have clinical and postpartum depression. I'm on mediacation to help it, but I want a cure. What will cure me?

What will completly cure me?