Feeling down about my birth story...

I desperately wanted an un-medicated birth at home but my husband and I decided to go to the hospital because if something went wrong we knew the hospital would be the safest place. I have PTSD and major anxiety about hospitals so while I was pregnant I saw a therapist regularly and visited the women's birth center every month to get more comfortable. The day came and we got to the birth center at 7pm. Everything was going great, I had the nurses I had become friends with and I knew I was in good hands. Then things went downhill. I had to get an IV because there was maconium in my water. Then my nurses had to leave at midnight because it was the end of their shift and before they left they informed me that my OB doctor I had been working with for 9 months would not be able to deliver my baby! I got anxious and started to tense up. The nurse that took over was terrible. She kept telling me that I should just get an epidural because I wasn't really progressing and my contractions were every 30 seconds lasting for 2 minutes and that went on for 4 hours until I caved and got the epi. I was delirious and crying and my husband and I were exhausted so he was able to finally convince me that I wasn't being a whimp and that the situation had changed and I needed rest in order to deliver our baby safely. 30 minutes after the epi I went from 5 to 10 centimeters and was ready to push! I got to squat on the bed like I wanted, I could still feel my legs and everything so I didn't need my legs held. I also got to guide my baby out and onto my chest. Even tho everything went exactly as planned AFTER he was born and we are safe and healthy I still can't stop beating myself up for getting the epidural :( I have NO problem with other women getting epidurals! But I do get a bit jealous of those women that gave birth completely un-medicated. I refuse to tell anyone I had an epi. This is the first time I am writing about it. Does anybody have any advice on how to stop beating myself up for it? I know I'm just being too hard on myself but I'm having a tough time letting it go. I am now pregnant with our 2nd baby and I find that I am even more determined then before to not get an epidural. What if I fail again?! I know I am just being ridiculous but this is truly how I feel and I don't want to feel this way anymore.