A little background: I'm pregnant with baby #2.  My first born will be 10 years old in November.  Baby #2 is due in December.  

My first birth was a scheduled c-section after I failed to go into labor or have any signs of labor happening.  I had zero dilation and no effacement 2 weeks after my due date.  My doctor did an ultrasound and told me my baby was going to be at least 9.5lbs.  She told me I only had about a 30% chance of getting him out vaginally.  Baby was fine and in no distress, but she wanted to schedule me for a c-section 2 days later.  She did offer to induce me the night before, but again stated that she thought the baby was too big and wouldn't fit in my birth canal.  My mother (and many other women on both sides of my family) had c-sections also because of large babies with large heads. I was a single mom at that time, so my mom was my birth partner.  She confessed at that time she was scared to death of helping me through labor and encouraged me to go ahead and just have the c-section.  I was young and scared, and very over being pregnant.  I just wanted to meet my baby boy! So we went ahead and did the c-section. Everything went fine, baby was healthy but was actually only 8.5lbs. His head size was large, and has always been in the 110th percentile on the growth charts. 

I struggled a lot the first 6 months or so after my son was born. I had a hard time bonding with my baby. We struggled and eventually gave up on breast feeding, which made me feel guilty. I dealt with post partum depression. I lived with my parents and my baby seemed to want my mom more than me.  Things are fine now and I came to terms with everything that happened with my first birth. 

Fast forward a few years, and I stumbled across the documentary "the business of being born".  I became obsessed with natural birth.  I ended up going to nursing school with the eventual goal of becoming a midwife. I wanted to help empower women to have natural births, and wanted to have one myself one day. I'm a nurse now, but I fell in love with other areas of nursing (and honestly got so sick of school) so I don't actually want to be a midwife anymore, but I still very much wanted to have a natural birth with baby #2.  

The hospitals in my area don't allow VBAC's. I mentioned to my OB (not the same doc that delivered baby #1) at my first prenatal appointment that I was interested in attempting a vbac. I explained the whole scenario and asked what he thought about it.  He was 100% supportive and arranged a referral to a hospital about an hour away that allowed vbacs in a bigger city.  He even told me he used to work at a larger hospital and performed vbacs.  He would let me do it if the hospital he delivered at would allow it (but they won't). 

I had my appointment at the big city hospital.  They went over my chart, I explained my story again.  They said I had about a 68% chance of success and we could go ahead and plan on the vbac if that's what I wanted to do. However, they wanted to plan an induction slightly before my due date.  Part of the reason is because I lived far away, and they didn't want me to deal with getting to the hospital while in labor.  I live in an area that can have brutal winters, and being due in December, that somewhat made sense to me.  They also were concerned about the baby having a big head, so they didn't want to let me go too long.  Again, makes sense.  However, I didn't want to be induced.  I know induction can have a snowball effect that can  end up with a csection.  I know that's not always the case, but I just really wanted to do things naturally. We basically left it at "let's see how things go and decide later". My plan was to allow them to induce me if I didn't go into labor on my own by my due date, or if the weather was exceptionally bad around that time. 

I've been struggling with the decision. I really really love my local OB.  I kept thinking "I'm really going to regret going to this big city hospital with doctors I don't know if I end up having a c-section anyway. I would rather just have my local OB do my c-section if that's going to be the case".  My mom and mother in law are both scared to death of me attempting a vbac. They both had their babies by csection. My mother in law would try to be supportive, but continued to find info to give me about risk of uterine rupture and things like that.  My husband is just all around nervous about the birth, but also 100% supports whatever I decide.  I think the c-section honestly freaks him out as much as me attempting a vbac. 

Now to the actual meat of the story. (Thanks for reading this far if you've stayed with me.  Ha) as I said, I'm a nurse. I work in a small hospital. I don't work in OB, but the hospital is so small that if an emergency happens on any floor, someone from each floor has to respond. So basically ER nurses go to OB if there's an emergency, OB nurses go to the ER or med surg floor, etc. We all have to help. We recently had an OB emergency that I had to respond to. It shook me to my core.  Luckily everyone is okay, but it scared me right out of attempting a vbac.  I had a doctor appointment this morning and told him what happened and that I no longer want to attempt a vbac. He was amazing, and assured me that the event I witnessed was the exception not the rule. He encouraged me to give it a little time, but said he was happy to schedule me for a csection if that's was I decide.  I told him I was 100% having a c-section.  

I then told my mom and mother in law that I was no longer planning to vbac.  They both were SO excited.  My mother in law started to cry and hugged me.  I lost it at that point. Years of KNOWING I wanted to try a natural vbac, all the years researching, and all the time spent wanting to be a midwife only to chicken out in the end is absolutely crushing me. I just feel like a quitter.  My heart hurts at ththe thought that I am "missing out" on some magical experience.  (I know that's not how everyone feels, and I know that all that matters is a healthy baby, but that's how I feel). 

I know nothing is set in stone until the baby is out, and I could still theoretically change my mind and go back to attempting a vbac. But the fear has taken hold and I don't think I can do it. And it's killing me.  I'm writing this novel of a post because it's been eating away at me. I just woke up from a dead sleep  SOBBING because of how much regret I already feel. It's like the post partum depression has already kicked in. My husband is being as supportive as possible, but no one really gets it I guess.  My friends all thought I was crazy for wanting to attempt it anyway. 

Sorry for the long and rambling post, but I really just needed to vent I guess.  I'm not sure what I expect to happen posting this? But I needed to write out my thoughts to someone who might understand. Thanks for listening.