Cautiously hoping and waiting

It's been a very long time since I have posted. I had a blighted ovum in May and a D&C to resolve. It's been so hard on me these past several months. So much waiting. So many tears. So many times I had to say "Congratulations" to pregnancy announcements and birth announcements while I rot on the inside. So much energy spent trying to be OK when I know I'm lying to myself and the people who love me. I really don't feel like I've made any progress in healing. But I haven't stopped trying.

I took a pregnancy test today, and there was a very faint line. It wasn't FMU, and I'm planning to take another in the morning and see if I get a darker line. But it was there. Hubby saw it, too.

I'm scared. I'm optimistic. I'm terrified. I'm hopeful. I want to be pregnant, and I want to go on to have a healthy full-term baby. I'm already heartbroken, and I don't know if I can handle another heartbreak. I am trying to not feel too excited because of my fear of this one little promising line becoming a false positive or something much, much more horrible. It's so unfair.

I should be able to be freely joyous and thrilled. My scars prevent me from feeling too strongly, too openly. I can only cautiously hope, and wait.