A month and 3 days postpartum with first baby and been diagnosed with ppd. Aside from a death of a loved one, this is the worst pain I have ever felt. My heart just aches and I have to force myself not to think about just how much. I never thought I would experience this and not feel a bond to my sweet girl. I feel like im being chased. I'm trying to stay ahead of this but it seems the more I get ahead the closer it gets to biting my heels.

I've lost my appetite and having trouble sleeping even though sleeping is all I feel like doing.

I only ever wanted to be a mother and now that I am, I question myself about everything and why I even wanted to have a baby. Sometimes I really wish it were still just my husband, our dog, and myself. And I can't understand why I feel this way when I was so in love with this baby as I carried her and even the first 2 days in the hospital. I felt so much joy I thought my heart would explode...now it's a numbness feeling. I feel like I'm being robbed because she feels like a baby I'm babysitting and not like my own.

The anxiety is getting worse. I don't want anyone visiting and I hate certain people around or holding my baby. It makes me so nervous and I keep having thoughts or visions of her being dropped on her head or me accidentally dropping her. I don't ever want to take her anywhere because of this and my social anxiety coming back. It's ruining the holidays already...there was so much stuff I wanted to do for first Halloween and I just can't deal anymore.

I'm having a hard time coping with not being pregnant anymore as well...which is very odd considering I had a scary pregnancy due to a partial previa, being told the baby would lose 1 of her kidneys, having preeclampsia (I gave birth at 37 weeks), and having just about every gross pregnancy symptom. I don't want anymore kids at this point obviously but I long to be pregnant with her again to the point it makes me cry. Possibly because of the overwhelming love I felt for her then and I long for that feeling again?

I don't want to harm myself or have thoughts of hurting the baby but I'm so tired of this. My first round of meds didn't go well..my husband has been wonderful but nothing seems to keep my sadness away for too long. Forunately I see a counselor next week..so hopefully that eventually helps. My body made a miracle..carried her for 9 months...and now it's like it's rejecting the result. It's not fair and it's sad how many women actually deal with this and don't ever speak out about it.