I am currently 20w5d pregnant with my "first" child. I miscarried in January of this year and it this is my only other pregnancy. I couldn't tell you what lengths I'd go through to be able to have my first baby back. Don't get me wrong I love this baby and have a stronger connection with her and we possibly have a name :).

This pregnancy has just been rough on my emotions-first because I had the biggest fear of miscarrying again and once I was into the safe zone I could focus on all the other stresses in my life (home hunting, job hunting, husband joining military etc;) and I felt like things were looking up. That was until the panic attacks came.

I read that panic attacks are more likely to happen when pregnant and you're also more likely to have a heart attack than someone not pregnant and the same age. But about a month ago I had this tremendous panic attack and I have nothing to tie it to (which is also normal). Since then my anxiety has been extra sensitive.

I never want to completely let go of my first pregnancy because I love her so much and refuse to forget her but I've definitely cut down my thoughts on her because it's not fair to the baby that I'm currently carrying and I couldn't properly bond holding on how I was. I have a friend that just started going through her second miscarriage (that I know of only two) and I can't quit thinking about it. How am I able to carry this child when she will be an excellent mother. Her ducks are in a much nicer row than mine and I just can't wrap my head around it. It makes me want to go back and think about my first baby and question the one I currently have. How am I worthy? What makes me so special?

Does anyone have "rainbow baby guilt"? That's the best way to describe this feeling that I'm having and it makes me depressed for letting myself feel this way. I love my baby girl to pieces and don't know what to do. I know it's stressing her out as well and since I'm high risk it makes my anxiety skyrocket and the cycle loops.