2 Losses in 3 Months💔🌈

💔🌈 yesterday our rainbow grew dim. Finding hope on the other side of fear has consumed my well being for 5+ weeks. A hope that had grown so strong in believing our beautiful rainbow would be our forever.  Forever in our arms has turned into forever in our hearts for a second time. There are no words that can help these situations. In fact most make it even more daunting than it already is. But, by opening myself up I can help other women and help my own well being regardless of any unwanted feedback. But, I will take it as it comes. 

It was inevitable if that's what His plan was. A plan I have the most difficult time accepting. Making our next, yet same journey, that much more difficult to face. And this time... I don't know how soon I'll be ready. I share to grieve. I share to help others know they're not alone. I share to find strength. 

In August we lost our first pregnancy at 4 weeks 3 days. We got pregnant with our second after my first cycle post MC. We lost that pregnancy at 5 weeks 4 days. Two losses in three months. We have been trying to conceive for 8 months now. We aren't on fertility meds or even a progesterone cream. But the two times we have gotten pregnant we have used Preseed. What sucks is I don't know WHY we lost these two. Our only two. And undoubtedly never will. I can't blame Preseed. I have no idea what my progesterone levels are or if they're high even to carry a pregnancy. My assumption at this point is no. 

This second time was ..... easier. How? I can't even explain it. Maybe the only reason is because I've been this low before although this has become a new all time low. The hardest thing about this one is my husband is out of town. And I'm alone. 

I'm calling my doctors office and am going to see if they can squeeze me in for a 15 min to half hour appointment to make some sort of game plan. I'm not sure I want to try again after my next cycle. I mean...don't get me wrong.  I do. Whole heartedly. But the thought of miscarrying for a third time? Having my mother in law compare her loss and my sister in law's losses to mine? It picks at my inner core until there's nothing left. (That's a whole different story).

For all of you out there who have gone through multiple miscarriages. I feel for you. For those who have gone through even one.... I feel for you. Please stay strong. Find hope on the other side of fear. Fear isn't fun and was never meant to be. But there is a silver lining. And finding hope, even if it's a glimpse, is better than none at all. 

🌈"We almost had you. We almost held you. But you never got to see the sun. You almost became free. We were almost a family. And you were supposed to be the one. I wanted it to be you. God knows I wanted you, so so bad. And now I'll never go a day without thinking 'bout what we almost had."🌈