A Mother's Loss
This is my first day home in the aftermath of my loss. I had finally drifted off into sleep last night but couldn't get comfortable Ramon and I fell asleep on the couch so I woke him up said goodnight to my mother and we got in our bed I was fine. Fell asleep and prepared for a new day. I woke up at 225 to use the bathroom and I was in so much pain. It hit me at that moment I was going through postpartum bleeding and I lost it. Since my body was going through postpartum changes I should have a baby but I didn't because my baby died and I had to leave him behind and it hurts it's not fair. I did everything right. I loved my son. I needed my son. He needed me and I failed him as a mother because I couldn't keep him alive and it hurts. I don't know what to do anymore but cry and it just hurts so much. I miss him. 
The thing that hurts the most is that I went thought 17 hours of labor with an epidural that didn't work so I felt everything. I felt every contraction every pain every amount of pressure only to deliver my son and everything stopped. I felt my boyfriend holding me he held me through the push. He saw our son's lifeless body rush out of me and we cried together. We knew we wouldn't feel him over We knew We wouldn't hear him cry. We knew We wouldn't see them taking any measures to make sure he was breathing because he had died inside of me for at least 3 days... They allowed us to keep him in room and We got to hold him and we took a picture and a priest came and blessed the baby. The hardest thing was when the nurse came in to take him away to the morgue and I lost it all over again. I am still losing it I'm still wishing a would wake up from a horrible nightmare but I'm not dreaming.
Comment
Add Comment
Let's Glow!
Achieve your health goals from period to parenting.
