Should I tell his wife?

To give you some background, I'm a single woman, almost 30, very career-driven, but love working for justice for kids and for women's causes. Post here sometimes but read a lot. Buckle up, this story is a wild ride.

We met up in LA and had the most amazing romantic date. Never felt anything like that. We made out but nothing overly sexual. I went back to my life several states away.

We kept talking over phone and text for a year. All friendly stuff but we were very close. He gave me great work/friend advice, we had the same interest in movies, tv and science. We liked a lot of the same things and it was nice to chat. Even though we only met that once I felt a great connection, and he made me feel like, even if not him, there was hope that one day I'd connect with a guy in that way.

 I could never find him on the internet though, which I thought was weird considering he supposedly worked in film. I thought maybe he lied about his job to impress me, or maybe that he gave me a false last name cause his film career was directing porn or something and he was embarrassed.

I dated a guy during this time, and talked to DIck a lot less while this was happening . The guy was much older than me, and eventually the relationship fizzled out, but I can't help but think that I let the relationship fizzle a bit because I knew that there was someone out here (Dick) that just seemed to get me a lot better.

Fast forward to this October. I'm upset over my breakup with the older guy, and I get a text from DIck that he will be in my area (a few hours away from where I live). He asks if I want to spend the weekend with him, and I say yes. We have a romantic, almost magical weekend together doing all sorts of fun activities and of course some awesome physical stuff thrown in there too. The connection was amazing, really like nothing I've ever experienced.

Up until this weekend, we have talked every day since, about how great our time together was, about how much we liked each other, and even about trivial things too like tv and the news. He was back up in my area this weekend, and invited me to hang out again, so I excitedly said yes. I knew we lived in different places, and heck maybe that we'd even date other people, but thought we had this fun, light relationship that we'd keep going until one of us found an SO that fit into our 'real lives,' out until one of us moved even further away due to our crazy ambitions. I wasn't thinking he was Prince Charming but I was enjoying his companionship. 

It was another magical weekend. After we checked out of our hotel, we sit killing time in a Starbucks until his flight and my bus back home. As we are sitting there, talking about how much we enjoy each other's company I say, "I can't help feeling that something is wrong though. Like my gut is saying im going to find out this guy is married our something." 

His face went white. Me: "oh my god, you're married ??!"

Indeed he was. I started begging for more information out of him. His name, that he gave me on THE AIRPLANE WHEN WE FIRST MET was false. His last name that he gave me later was also made up. The career was real. He said "you're so smart. I assumed you knew." 

Marriage ! I had no idea, none. There where red flags but I definitely never thought marriage, our connection felt so real. It all started to make sense though, why he wasn't googleable, why he has an iPhone but his texts came in green, etc.

 He eventually gave me his real first name but not his last. Said his marriage was sexless and they slept in separate beds and she didn't look at him the way I did (who knows if that is true) . That he was looking for passion and romance and a real connection.  However they weren't separated or divorcing or even in an open relationship. That she'd be devistated if she knew. He kept crying (ugh) saying everything we had was real, that he assumed I knew about the marriage, and if I didn't that I would understand, and "not care" because I'm not religious and seem to live in the moment . That I didn't understand what marriages were like and how bad they could be because I was never married. 

He Kept placing the blame on me, Wtf!!! Just because I didn't think id marry him some day, doesn't mean I was okay being party to an affair without my consent!!!! Apparently ALL of his friends and his father agreed that he should pursue me, that i "likely knew" and no one suggested that he at least warn me he was in a long term relationship. He kept claiming that he was just protecting his wife, all of our feelings were real. And "obviously he cares about me or he wouldn't have told me," because apparently  if I never knew I could keep this going, which would benefit him....

We went to the airport, I kind of just went with him in a state of shock even thought i didn't need to be there. He started crying again as he walked through security. No tears here. I was supposed to take a bus several hours later, but the thought of waiting alone and sitting on a bus for hours after all this was too sad for me. I dramatically  bought a plane ticket two hours before the flight and flew back home. 

On the plane, on Monday night, I told a lady the story, and that all I knew now was his real first name. She suggested that I ask the lady that ran the air bnb we stayed at if she knew anymore information about him. The sympathetic and horrified air bnb lady told me that he bizzarly kept switching his name on his air bnb reservation and gave me the link to his account. My sister reverse google image searched his air bnb profile picture yesterday, and it turns out Dick was all over the Internet after all. His films, stuff from college, his linkedin, his Facebook, his WIFE'S FACEBOOK. Her profile picture was their wedding picture. Her place of work was on there, all kinds of things that she did were listed. She had lovey dovey messages posted about their anniversary. We seemed very similar, politically, career wise, heck, even physically. It really creeped me out. 

I discovered that the phone number he gave me on day ONE was a fake google voice one that he linked to his phone. He was five years older than he said too. Oddly all the random details about his schooling and career and stuff were very real. Still, I felt so deceived. It made me so mad. I'm a kind, trusting person and I fear that this has ruined trust for me. 

Fast forward to this morning. I've finally slept a little and eaten a bit since the reveal on Monday. I'm no longer as upset that I was deceived, but I'm horrified that I was party to an affair without my consent. I'm horrified that there is this woman out there, who is so similar to me, who is in love with a guy that went and had an emotional and physical affair with a woman. And then blamed this other woman for not being okay with it. 

I found out everything about Dick's wife. My married and some of my single friends are telling me I should tell her about the affair, that they would want to know. My other single friends think it's too risky and I should let it be. 

I'm torn. He hurt me but didn't ruin my life. I don't know if I want to ruin his. On the other hand, this woman, this poor unsuspecting woman, she could be me. Unaware that her husband was not just sleeping with, but emotionally connected to, another woman. 

I don't want to make a decision based on revenge or anger, so I want to wait until I'm a little less upset to do anything. 

But tell me community, what would you do? Should I tell his wife??!?

Also, give me some freakin love cause this has been the worst week ever. 

*edit* 12:51am - Thank you for the support everyone. I can't believe so many people are taking the time to read this story (though as many of you said, it's pretty entertaining)! Part of me wishes I'd given even more details, as it just makes it sound even more fantastical. If only you all could see some of the texts... I still welcome input, it's nice getting different perspectives from everyone. At this moment, my gut is telling me that I should gather the evidence if I decided to eventually tell, but I should sit on it a bit to ensure my motives are pure. Maybe wait until after the holidays after I've recovered and spent some time with family and see how I feel. It has been so cathartic writing this and seeing the replies - thanks and love you all 💜

*******

Update Dec 15th --- a few of you asked for an update !  thanks for all the kind words. It was a hell of a few weeks Getting over this whole disaster. I went back and forth for weeks (and talked to my medical doc too cause it was causing me some anxiety) and decided not to say anything for the time being. I had cut off the guy the day after leaving, I sent one final text to the guy saying I did find his information, and that he should tell his wife (hopefully he lives in constant fear that I'll tell her one day now that I know who he is haha). I do hope he comes clean, but I guess, I'm just scared of retaliation from both him or her and don't want to get swept in to their drama. Ugh. I cut him off and ended it immeidatley upon finding out the marital status, so that will have to be good enough for now :/. Ladies...if you can't find them on Google, demand to see ID 😜