We live in the middle of nowhere. And not that we could tell anyone here, he's looking for another job. But it's been slow going. And every place won't be looking again until the New Year. We live 12 hours from family. One Walmart. And 70 miles plus a toll to get to civilization. The area just got wifi which has made things a bit easier after a year with nothing. But if you want clothes or food or basically anything the Walmart doesn't carry, it's a long drive. Most places shutdown in the winter because it's a beach town. The people who live here are born here die here kinda folks. They don't trust outsiders and it's an older community. Meaning, the school (one) sucks. Not where I want my kids to go. One hospital and it is nasty and terrible. People usually drive out of the state to get healthcare. 

We are here because this is where the job was. And you have to make a living.  

In the past year of living here, we've had stomach viruses, strep, the flu, we were robbed with our car stolen and house robbed with us and our 3 year old inside. (Don't get me started on terrifying!) We found out we were finally pregnant right about the time we found out my husband needed surgery that the hospital here didn't detect and couldn't do because they don't have specialists here. (Really, we had to leave the state to get help and by the time we did, his organs were shutting down because of the doctors here being stupid.) We also haven't been intimate since September because of his surgery. I feel so disconnected. 

There are all of 2 OB docs here. One is great. The other did a pap and said she "made me bleed!" I was hurting for days and scared to death because I was pregnant and she was just terrible. She looked at me like a number to check off. And was so rough I didn't even see the first ultrasound. I've spent the last 17 weeks puking my guts up. 

This whole year has just sucked. I was driving home and parked in the yard and was crying. My husband asked what's wrong. I'm just so ready to go home after Christmas. (We can't leave until Christmas Day because he's gotta work.) He said he's ready too. I told him I'm pregnant and tired and hungry. I'd have given anything to go out to eat. And he walked inside, changed his clothes and was all for driving 70 miles to eat out. God, I love that man. But I always have to be the adult. 70 miles in gas, plus a tired toddler who is hungry now, plus dinner for three out, when we are drowning in medical debt. We aren't doing Christmas presents this year. I just had to be the grown up and say we have food at home. 

Don't get me wrong. I'm thankful through sickness and robbery and in the middle of a high risk pregnancy that there is a roof over our heads and food we can deal with. We didn't know he was gonna need surgery that even with insurance would cost thousands when I turned up pregnant. So things are tight especially with a new car payment we shouldn't have to have because those brats stole our car and totaled it. IT WAS PAID FOR, DANG IT! So please, I don't need a lecture on thankfulness. 

I just wish we could throw it all in the car, that needs repair work I can't afford, and head to town, eat food I was craving, and not have to worry. He wants so badly to fix things. And I want so badly for a transfer. 

I'm all alone. Don't really have any friends that I can let my hair down. The town is so small when I called to get the power turned on the lady said oh yeah, you're husband just took a job here and you live on this street. Like seriously, think Stars Hollow at the beach. It's tiny. So I can be honest about wanting to leave. It could get back to my husband's job. And they can't know we are looking for something else. 

Just needed to vent. 2016 sucked. Praying 2017 brings better things and some peace.