In need of good words and love
I'm going through a pretty definite break up with my, I guess now ex fiancé and I just don't know what to do and I feel so numb and broken. I say 'pretty definite' because we haven't like officially said we're done and he wants to talk about things once we get back from a previously scheduled trip we have tomorrow. It would have been 6 years Jan 2nd and he was/still is my best friend and the only person I want to be around. Because of our location, we are still living together, which I know just sounds so F'ed up. And to make matters worse, we work together, at home! So this past week I've just been hiding in [our] bedroom, crying myself to sleep every night. I can't be in the same room as him for too long or else it just gets too comfortable to be our usual selves and think that things are good. It's just so easy with him, to be myself and we both still love each other very much.
We actually had a drunken mistake the other night where we started to have sex and he stopped because he felt so guilty and knew it was wrong. And I felt so, I don't know what but I didn't want it to stop. If he didn't stop us, I definitely would have continued. Like I knew how I would have felt the next morning waking up next to him in bed, confused, thinking that everything was good, but it's not. But I just wanted him to hold me again, to be able to fall asleep in his arms again, to wake up to his gorgeous face again. But I'll never have that again..
I don't think this relationship is saveable, he has found his faith in God again, or I guess technically for the first time and I'm an atheist and our views and beliefs are just so different. You have to understand that around me, he was never really religious. And honestly it's not just that he was around me, he's told me before that he has never been really religious, that he would just ignore certain things or push them to the side. He would claim to be a Christian but would constantly smoke weed and drink until he couldn't remember anything and we would have premarital sex and he would take the lords name in vain all the time but would try to like excuse it cause he was mad. But this all started because he told me that he never, ever wanted to have kids. Which he knew was basically a deal breaker for me. It's not like I want to pop one out in the next 9 months but for him to say that he NEVER wanted kids was just too much. I flew out to Texas to be with my family, I was gone for about a month and every second I wished he was with me. Then when I came back, he filled me in on his 'newly' founded faith and that's when everything started to crumble. I know I could be more open and understanding it's just, the last 5 years every single one of his actions has told me he was the opposite of Christian, so it was a total shocker. And like I'm totally fine with people having their own beliefs, but I never imaged myself being with someone that disagreed with me on almost every 'hot' topic.
I just would love to hear some uplifting words from all you amazing girls about moving on and maybe, if someone can relate, some stories.
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