Grieving through the Holidays

I've always loved the holidays. It's the time of year full of cute decorations, good food, sweet smells, the gift of giving, family and friends and warm feelings. I never knew it could be any different until this year. This year I feel cold, numb and lost; nothing about Thanksgiving nor Christmas has been joyful. We lost our first baby in October, and the grief I felt was just completely unexplainable; you almost can't put it in words. It was hard then, but as time has progressed it seems even harder now. Hard because I feel left alone in my grief, like we've been forgotten about. Hard because there is nothing to feel happy about. Hard because for so many months I looked forward to having a new baby during Christmas. Hard because everyone around me is happy, or seems that way. I feel like I have nothing to do besides fall into step with everyone else and just pretend to be happy and okay. PRETEND! What a way to spend the holidays! It's difficult to even pretend to be happy in efforts to not ruin the Christmas spirit for everyone around me. I almost wish for a quiet place to hide until January 2nd, when all of this is over. I know we aren't the only parents to have lost a child, and unfortunately so many experience this far too often and it is so cruel. Nor are we alone in feeling lonely or missing someone during the holidays. Everyone else has coped and made it through year after year after. They somehow did it, so can I. But how? To all you mommies out their that have lost their precious little ones, how have you persevered? How do you cope with such a loss?