Teenage pregnancy

The first photo is me and my boyfriend, the summer of last year at Warped Tour. The day before I went to the hospital and discovered my miscarriage.

We had known we were parenrs for about 1-2 weeks. We were 16 and scared shitless, but we were confident together. He'd rub and kiss my belly, we stayed up all night talking about what we wanted to name our kids and how ee wanted to raise them.

Zelda Lilyanne, and Jude. Zelda for a girl, Jude for a boy. We couldn't decide a middle name for Jude yet, but I was hoping for a girl anyway.

Our parents didn't take it well. His father went "fuck," and his mom was having a hard time believing the pregnancy tests. She took us to Planned Parenthood the next day.

My mother was in the car when she found out. We were driving to pick him up, the day we planned to tell her. She scolded me about birth control, and found out. For a moment I thought she was speeding towards a brick wall.

But my dad, who understands me more than almost anyone, the two of us sat quietly. He chuckled "well, your mom told me you aren't dying, so whatever's going on can't be too bad." I cried, and nodded, forcing a smile. We sat in silence, me crying, and he said "so it's the second worst case scenario, then?" I nodded, and he stood immediately and hugged me.

My mom feared for her life. How would SHE pay the bills? How would SHE sleep at night?

It's been a year and a half now, and I still blame myself. I don't know why, I know that there's very little chance either he or I are at fault for the fate of our child. But I can't help it. I lost my first baby.

I lost my first baby and I'm not allowed to be open about my pain. My pregnancy book was little help.

"Don't worry"

"You can try again"

I DIDN'T try, and I couldn't anyway. I'm too young.

It doesn't change that I've lost my child.

Three days before I discovered my pregnancy, a friend of ours discovered hers.

She had her beautiful son three days before my birthday.

I saw him for the first time recently. He was fussy and angry, but he was a cute fucker.

He's starting to walk now. That's where my baby would be.

It's hard to see.

The second photo is me and my boyfriend, a couple weeks ago at ZooLights. We're strong, we're in love. He understands how I still hurt, and he wants to help.

It's painful to think about how different I am from everyone I know for this one thing. I know a few teen mothers, but I'm the only teen mother, with a child who could not make it.

We've been together for two years.

And who knows, maybe in the future, when we're older, we'll have another child. Maybe a planned one, this time. I'm just glad he'll be helping me through it.