I don't even know where to start. Ummm my dad married my step mom last summer and her and her son moved in with us soon after that. Our house was big enough since my mom left with her kids. Its always been me and my dad against the world for as long as I could remember. My mom wants nothing to do with us for whatever reason but I don't dwekk on that. My stepmom and I have always gotten along, and I consider her my real mom cuz she's so great. Her son and I on the other hand, not so much. He's 17 and I'm 14 and he's an only child so I don't think he's used to living with a sibling cuz he hates it and me. Idk why tho cuz I'm nothing but nice to him. My dad really wants us to be a family so I try my best to get along with him and make everyone happy but for whatever reason my stepbrother, his name is James, doesn't like me.

James is always making fun of me and talking about my friends and bothering me non stop and I'd be okay with that cuz my dad does the same thing in a joking manner but he says things to hurt me and they do. And I tell him all the time to leave me alone, but he won't. When he's not in his room, he's in the family room hogging the TV or in the bathroom or eating all of my food and I hate it. But James also hates my dad, so anytime he tries to have some authority, he lashes out saying how he hates everyone and storms off, leaving his mom in tears and I hate seeing her that way. But James also has a habit of leaving the house and doing things he shouldn't be doing and leaving me to cover for him, which I'm not gonna do cuz he's wrong. So when my dad asks where he is or anything, I tell him. And James thinks I'm a snitch, which I guess he was right, and gets angry with me and will hurt me in some way. He has hit me before and pushed me down but never anything like this before.

So my step mom and my dad went out last night on a date, that's their thing is to go out on Saturdays and left me and James home alone. James is grounded so he couldn't have people over or go anywhere and I'm 14 so I can't go out at night anyways. It was about 8:15 and I was watching a movie and minding my own business when the doorbell rings. And immediately I was thinking that James had invited someone over when he wasn't supposed to. And I was right but when I went to look out of the peephole, it was a boy from school that I like. James and I go to the same school, so I was guessing they were friends. James let him in and they headed to his room, but he gave me a look saying not to snitch. This was the guy that I liked so of course this time I wouldn't. James is a junior and so is this boy, Derek, who knows me cuz we used to have swim class together. He nodded at me and kept on going. And I was in my Minnie mouse jammies so I went to go change into something more age appropriate cuz Derek was there. I changed into a simple t shirt and shorts and I brushed my hair a bit, that was all, I wasn't trying to be flashy or anything, I just wanted to not look 6.

The boys were upstairs doing whatever but then I heard footsteps above me, which you would think is insignificant, but my room is right above the family room, and the floor boards creak when someone's in there. So I feaked out cuz my room is a hot mess and I didn't want Derek to see it. So I run upstairs and James is rifling through my stuff and finds my journal and starts reading through the marked pages cuz I organize things based on what they're about. So he starts reading things about Derek and I start dying inside cuz I really don't want him to know. And I start trying to take it and shut him up and Derek is just cracking up about it. And then he puts it down and I start crying and running for the phone to call my dad and he stops me, grabbing me and holding me down saying that he was just kidding and that he's sick of my crap about him. And Derek says that its flattering and all that and is like so you really wanna get freaky with me and all that and it was written in my journal but I didn't mean it!

And I said no, I was just kidding and all that and Derek says aww this too bad cuz I would have been into it and he was saying how sexy I am and how mature I am for my age. And James said that despite my being physically mature, I act like a little bitch and I was gonna learn to stop. And I was like get away from me, get out of my room and that was when Derek was like well you want me don't you and don't you realize how great being with an 11th grader would be. And I was saying no and James put his hands over my mouth and Derek came on top of me and was grabbing me and touching me everywhere and I was so scared. And James was saying that I was gonna learn to stop being a bitch and that I was gonna learn my place and Derek was saying how we were gonna have such a good time and they started pulling my clothes and things and I was saying no and trying so hard to escape but James hit me and was telling me to shut up and I was crying an begging him to stop but they both just kept going and they took turns until they came and I came when during Derek's turn and I didn't mean to and I didn't like it at all and I feel so dirty.

When they finished they told me to go wash up and James said that if I said anything about it to my dad then he would do something else to me but he wouldn't be so merciful as he was claiming to be. And Derek went home afterwards and saud he looks forward to doing it again. And I was in the bath for an hour but couldnt scrub the dirtiness off of me and I just don't know what to do. I can't tell anyone anything and I'm scared that James will do something like this again and I don't know what to do. Please help me

UPDATE

My dad and I went to church this afternoon for his evening service bc he is our head pastor and we had a dinner service afterwards. We have our own designated spot to sit because were the pastors family. But my step mom didnt come today cuz she had a shift at work and my stepbrother never wants to come. So we were sitting away from everyone alone and I thought that this was my only chance to tell him, i just didn't know how to start the conversation. But one if the mothers of NY church called him over and it gave me the cha ce to say something. So I got my phone out and pulled up this post and showed it to him when he say back down and I was in tears at that point and he said plainly, get up we're going. So he said goodbye to everyone and asked them to pray for us and we left straight for home. James and my step mom were sitting watching TV and my walked in and was livid. He immediately was screaming asking if he had violated me and what had he done and all that and do you know what the loser had to say? He said that I tried o seduce him and that I was always fantasizing about him and that I was forcing myself on him which is so untrue. And his mom then lost it screaming what had he done and that she was so disappointed in him and I was silently crying the whole time.

My dad didn't even care that I liked this boy and had thought about him this way either, and he had me screenshot this and send it to him and my dad called the police and my step mom bought me to the doctors office for testing and all that and they don't know anything. And at the police station, they were questioning me and they took James in and Derek showed up in handcuffs and they're both being questioned. I was telling them what happened and I started crying again and I felt dumb cuz I can't stop crying and they were just asking me what I've already had to say 2 times and its just so hard. They went back to my house to get my clothes, which I wore yesterday and they tore my shorts and T-shirt and they were taking pictures of my body, my sides where they were hitting me and my face where Im starting to get a really dark bruise where James hit me. And Derek's family cane over to us and was apologizing and the police were saying how they think they have enough evidence to arrest him but if not, then I have to leave and stay at someone else's house so my dad and I might be getting a hotel.

But they said my dad and I could leave but he wouldn't leave my step mom, who is distraught, and was crying the whole time. So we all left together to go back home, and my step mom called James dad who apparently lives in the state and is on his way. And I was just sitting in the tub again, crying and trying to wash it off but its not working and I just hope that they keep then away from me forever.

UPDATE 2

My dad and I officially are pressing charges so I can get some closure and put James and Derek being bars so ig that's a start. My parents are looking for lawyers and therapists and they think we have enough evidence to put them away for a while. I'm not going back to school till friday but I still feel like everyone will have their judging and angry eyes on me and call me a liar and attention seeking. And I feel like God is angry with me for letting them take away my virginity which I was always taught to preserve for marriage. Everyone says it wasn't my fault but I can't help but feel like I should have fought harder to get away and that God was testing me and I failed. I'll never be the good and pure child of God I was before and that's what feels the worst about all of this. But thank you all of you ladies on <a href="https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.glow.android.eve">eve</a> who will be here for me through all this. I can't emphasize how much I appreciate it. It means the world to me. And at this point, my only goal is to forgive myself and have God forgive me and forgive the guys, which will definitely be the hardest.