personal rant

Hey girls so before you read this I will say yes I was a big asshole. Now let me explain,before me and my boyfriend of 15 months started dating I had this boy best friend who was always with me during 11th grade we were inseparable and he ended having a big crush on me that lasted all the way till my freshman year in college. During 12th grade I started dating my current boyfriend but since me and my best friend were so close that everyone even thought we had been dating I stopped talking to him that much as I saw that everyone thought we were a couple. During senior year he began to like other girls and I was happy until I found out it was a lie trying to make me thing that he was over me. We go to the same college and have the same major, I stopped talking to him the first semester because our friendship was so intimate and he knew so much about me that I found it way to hard to deal with that and making my relationship work with my boyfriend. The only problem is that now I feel like I lost a part of my life, I feel that I shouldn't have cut him out of my life like that. Because In a way I feel guilty. And I know I don't like him in a boyfriend type of manner but he was like a big brother and when he liked me and confessed his love by saying I'm the one he will always love it made me feel under pressure because I knew that's not what I wanted from him. And since we were so close I feel like I can't talk to my boyfriend about it because it might come off as me liking my friend which I don't. I remember talking to. Y boyfriend about when I was mad at my best friend right before I broke things off my boyfriend said that it sounded like my best friend was an ex of mine that I hated. And for some reason I feel like he is an ex instead of a best friend. I'm sorry I don't know if this makes any sense, if it does can anyone give me advice ... I'm I just a crazy asshole ?