Let me start at Last Friday, Saturday & Sunday. Usual Days, shitty work days Friday & Sunday Funday = Casual Drinking. No Big Deal. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I'd started bleeding brown blood and badly cramping on Sunday anyways, I needed a break. 

Monday is 2 year anniversary of my real dads death. I go visit him and my deceased stepdad (both died in car accidents, moving on...) I decide while we're out and about- I'll go to Planned Parenthood and get my depo shot. I was running late getting it so it was needed. Boyfriend dropped me off after visiting my dads and went to business across street to stare at fish. Since I'm late getting my shot (by like 3 weeks) PP makes me take a Pregnancy Test. I'm thinking "No Big Deal, It'll Be Negative. Get My Shot and move on with my day."

*Mother Nature Meniacally Laughing In The Background*

Nurse comes back "when is the last time you had sex?"

"Uh, like 3 days ago" I respond.

"Well you're pregnant!" 🤰🏼👩🏻‍⚕️

"Uh- what!?"

"It's an early pregnancy and that's why the second line is so faint but congrats!"

So I leave with a positive test, tell my boyfriend who immediately goes quiet and internally panics..

So one of my worst days just turned into a very interesting day and I'm left feeling happy, sad, excited and nervous.

Tuesday and Wednesday passed and my partner and I discussed our options. We come to a mutual understanding. I googled EVERYTHING for 3 days on pregnancy, miscarriages, abortions and everything under the sun so I could be equipped with some background knowledge of each topic.

Thursday morning at 5 AM I start bleeding. "Okay... this can happens. It is pretty early, women can still have periods." I put a tampon in and go back to bed.

I go to work at 10:15am... by 1:15pm I'm in the bathroom crying, my black work uniform pants are blood soaked in the front and back as well as down my thighs to where you could see blood. I'm absolutely losing my shit, texting my childhood friend who is my manager at work. She tells me I need to leave or she is going to call up on her day off and demand the other manager (male) lets me leave. Not to mention severe dizziness from lack of eating and losing more blood than normal. 

I beg my boss to let me out early so I can go to the hospital thinking I'm having a miscarriage. I'm hyperventilating and crying the whole way. The ER takes their sweet time getting me in the back. 

My ER nurse, Jo, is a sweetheart trying to keep me calm and talking to me trying to answer my questions. Asks me to take a pee test (still had a tampon in.) Afterwards explains I'll take a sonogram later regardless of what the results are to eliminate a false positive test. Nurse also tells me heavy bleeding is normal for some women at the beginning of pregnancy.

The my do the pee test and it comes up negative. Dr.Vu (Dr.Dickhead) comes in and as insincerely as possible says "You're not pregnant. I checked."

"Uh, okay..." 

"The positive test you got was false... or you miscarried a week ago. Either way you're not pregnant. Have a good day."

"Wait! Why am I bleeding so heavily and in crippling pain then?"

"You're a girl, and periods can hurt. Have a good day."

I'm left here thinking "NO SHIT SHERLOCK, BUT WHY ARE MY USUALLY LIGHT PERIODS SUDDENLY SO HEAVY." (Sidenote: My bleeding was enough for 3-4 days worth of period blood.) The nurse came in and comforted me again, apologizing about the Dr.'s attitude. No sonogram is done. Just a pee test.

So I leave with a heavy heart, go to Planned Parenthood to show them the hospital paperwork and sit in their lobby of 5 people for 1.5 hours in bloody pants starving and heartbroken waiting to go back for my depo shot like I wanted Monday. They ask me to take ANOTHER pregnancy test to confirm again... I begrudgingly oblige then wait another 30 minutes... It's negative. 

Nurse who originally told me I'm pregnant comes in asking me questions and apologizing for my loss. Comments she's still worried because negatives could still be wrong...

I'm close to tears again. The stress this has caused myself, my partner and my aunt (I told her because I needed an adults help, even though I'm 21) is just unbearable by now.

The nurse asks her supervisor... supervisor says "if it's negative, it's negative. If she wants the shot, she may have it." Nurse begrudgingly gives me shot as I hold back tears. 

I then go home and cry in bed alone. I am exhausted. "Has this EVER happened to anyone else!?" 😭

I thought about it at work today and realized drinking over the weekend probably caused me to miscarry, but enough hCG was in my body that on Monday I tested positive... 

I'm not sure how to feel anymore. My emotions went through every spiral and loop in less than a week... and I'm so exhausted. Yesterday I bled to the point of nearly fainting, and today I have hardly bled. I experienced my first miscarriage... I experienced a form of heartache I didn't know existed... 

If someone could point me in the right direction on how normal this is, or how I'm not alone, or what to do with myself since I feel like a bad mom for drinking when I didn't realize I was est. 3 weeks pregnant- I would love to hear your thoughts.