I told someone in my family twice about this. Once when I was 11. And once when I was 16. When I was 11 it was brushed of as me wanting attention. My step sister had been molested once a few months before I told my family member. My abuser convinced the family member I confided in that I was doing that for attention. It was swept under the rug and I continued to be abused for the next three years. The second time I told the SAME family member and I got screamed and yelled at for it. My abuser said "I'll take a lie detector test right now." And apparently that was enough to convince the person I told that he didn't do it.

So my ongoing sexual abuse was completely ignored and never resolved. The only person who knows about it is my SO, who I've been with for five years, and I'm 20. 

So yes, my abuse was going on even when I was dating the love of my life. It even happened once when he was at my house. He was outside when it happened. I was. Asking him dinner. 

I've never been to therapy for this, I've never had counseling. Because I'm too scared that this will be resurfaced and I will be shunned again. 

The main point of this post is this-

Last night my fiancé and I were watching Bates Motel. He has watched all the episodes when we lived separately. We were watching the first episode and I really liked it. We got to the scene where Norma was being raped. It felt like the scene lasted for hours. It made me so incredibly uncomfortable and it made me physically ill. All day long that is all I can think about. I feel bad because I made him stop the show and we went to bed directly after. We are actively TTC and he tried to BD with me last night. We had to stop halfway through because it was just not working for me...

Today has just been horrible. I'm so sick to my stomach and my heart is racing, I'm very jumpy and I feel like I'm having an anxiety attack every hour or so. I don't know what to do. I've talked to him about it and he feels so guilty that he didn't remember that scene. I hate saying the word "triggered" because it's kind of a slang thing now. But I think that rape scene really triggered something in me. I don't know what to do...can anyone give me some advice? Is there something I can do to help calm myself down? I just feel really sad and upset. I feel like I'm going to throw up. 

*UPDATE* I understand that many of you think and have suggested going to the police, but it's a very very complicated situation. I can't physically put myself through the situation of explaining every single thing he did to me to anyone. Not a therapist, counselor, or police officer. I can't physically or emotionally confide in someone again. I hide my feelings because I was shunned the way I was. I'm really just asking for a coping mechanism. Something I can do or use to cope with this. I've never had a "trigger" like this before. Another question is, is this like a form of PTSD? Or was I just triggered by this? Is there some sort of excersize or even an essential oil I can use to help calm myself and my anxiety? I had come to terms with my abuse for years, but last night really damaged me. I'm a religious person and I have (for my own sanity) forgiven my abuser. So I have "gotten over it" in a sense. And if I'm blessed with a daughter, I'm going to NEVER allow her to be in a situation where she is alone with him. Please don't say I'll be a bad mom. I think about that every single day. My fiancé and I know the signs and know how to keep that abuse from happening. There's no way it can happen if my child is never allowed around that person which she won't be (if I have a girl). 

*UPDATE* thank you all for your kind words. It really means a lot that I'm not alone and that I'm not being shunned. Once I was told "I was lying because I couldn't remember what I was wearing". It's nice to not be questioned by people, and to just be given advice. Thank you all so much, maybe when I am ready and able to physically and mentally after this set back I'll start talking to someone. For now I'm going to try to just distract myself and do things that make me very happy. I love to bake, I love my dogs and I love yoga/meditation. You all have really helped so far, and I'm so sorry to those that have been through the same thing. It really is a sad thing to go through. 

Hugs to all of you.