I feel so lost in so many different ways... I'm just crying a lot

So I just finished church. While I was in church I had a heavy thoughts coming in my head. I've been having that the whole damn week. Well there was this girl that walked in & in my head there was a voice saying "That girl belongs to the man your with. Not with you." Idk why I just had it in my head. I wanted to scream. Cause he is so called my fiancé. The man who didn't ask my dads blessing. I gave up everything for him. I even built walls between me & my family. I feel like God is playing with me & making me so fucking lost. I feel like I was built to get hurt. The whole day people was asking when are we getting married. (his mom told everyone & he hasn't gotten me an engagement ring) it makes me cry cause he didn't make an effort to plan things with me. I set dates & everything to get the marriage papers & stuffs I'm ready I got my stuffs ready for the license. & he bunk. I told him a few times. If your not ready. I'm fine with it. We gotta go our own separate ways. I'm tired of the games of thinking you wanna spend your rest of your life with me but no effort at all. I'm tired of living under a sin where we just opening up door while we having sex . I'm done feeling like this I really am. But he doesn't want me to leave. The funny thing is that he still smokes weed drinks EVERY night. I was fine with it at first but it's getting outta hand. Cause he starts to get VERbally Emotionally physically abusive with me & my 2 dogs. I try my best everyday. To just hold on & pray for his soul & just be happy. Then I get mean of suicidal thoughts it comes & goes. I'm trying so hard. I can't handle it.im stressing hurting in so many ways I can't handle everything my chest hurts.