TTC Frustration... with PCOS. Can you relate?
So...where do I start. This isn't something I typically do; talk about my struggles TTC. Not even with my husband. He doesn't understand even though I have attempted to explain. I have pcos, I'm 28, hypothyroidism, periods that don't show unless forced ( BC pill, provera, progesterone cream), and I'm almost positive I never ovulate. I have had one miscarriage in my life- felt so unreal and happened soon after just finding out I was pregnant.... that was when I was just 18 years old; 10 years ago! Since then, nothing. Not a single scare. I was diagnosed with pcos about 6 years ago maybe a little more.. unsure because my memory has become so terrible. I was put through all the testing- metformin, birth control and pretty much just told to lose weight... which at the time I did not feel overweight at all and was fairly active. I followed all orders. There was a time while I was on the pill that I felt normal but without fail everytime I would stop the pill my cycles would disappear. Fast forward a few years with my husband today... I'm not taking any medication except levothyroxine for my thyroid....
The point I'm trying to make in this post is that it's been a long time that I have been trying to get my body in check without success. I feel ALONE and so down since we had decided we would no longer try for a baby after I turn 30. I have always pictured having a baby and a family. He has a daughter from previous relationship so he has no idea how I'm feeling.. I feel worthless and like my body won't do the one thing it is really designed to do! I literally feel the clock ticking my time away and fear I'll grow old and be alone. I just found out my 18 yr old half sister is pregnant to top it off. I'm more than grateful to be here to help raise my husbands daughter but I still want my own. We don't have the means to see a fertility specialist at the moment either. Pcos has ruined so much of my life. I hate it. I hate that I have been ttc unsuccessfully for so long- it makes me want to give up. I won't. I just struggle to find the strength. Does anyone else feel this way? It makes me irritable.. sad.. angry and want to turn back time. I dont know really how much more time I have, all I know is that with every month I don't get my cycle it's just another month down the drain and another lost chance at finally having a baby. I've tried to reason with myself and make myself believe I would be okay if I don't ever have one but truth is I would grow old and bitter... I would not be okay and I'm not okay with that thought.
If you have managed to read all of that and still reading, thank you and I'm sorry... just looking to get out some frustration and make any connection even if it is with a stranger from half way across the world. Bottom line, just one... I just want one baby and to give it the best life anyone could ask for with the most love I could ever give.
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